An email I sent:
"I am up. Doing contract work means never sleeping.
My problems were not all caused by you. One of my worst personality traits is failure to truly admit fault. I always say that I understand that things are at least partially my fault, but I never really believe it. I know I am a good hearted honorable person who just wants to do the right thing and take care of everything, but underneath that I am a mess of regret and failure, and I wonder if I will ever be right enough to commit properly, have a family .. etc.
You said something to me once that has come to pass. You said that I would end up with a veneer of having my crap together, but in reality I would be in utter chaos. So it is. I have a fantastic job/side job, making 6 figures. I have a pile of money in the bank, and a girl that would do anything for me. But every day I think about things I regret and failures I have had - even from 10 years ago.
I think about Summer, and flunking out of college. I think about all the money I have blown at strip clubs, and all the bad girls (that I love/hate so much) that I have allowed to affect my life in a negative way. I think about you, how the world was at our feet, and how we let it all slip through our fingers. Even at the end when things were clear, stubborn pride, clinging to grudges and paranoia killed better sense. I think about how I can't see the future.
In any event, I do not want you feeling bad for anything that happened with us. It was important for both of us, even if the meaning was/is not entirely clear. I am sorry about rambling. Also, I don't want you to worry overmuch. I will be ok.
I am happy that <name deleted to protect the innocent> is good to you. The puzzle piece analogy is appropriate. I love you too.
me"
"I am up. Doing contract work means never sleeping.
My problems were not all caused by you. One of my worst personality traits is failure to truly admit fault. I always say that I understand that things are at least partially my fault, but I never really believe it. I know I am a good hearted honorable person who just wants to do the right thing and take care of everything, but underneath that I am a mess of regret and failure, and I wonder if I will ever be right enough to commit properly, have a family .. etc.
You said something to me once that has come to pass. You said that I would end up with a veneer of having my crap together, but in reality I would be in utter chaos. So it is. I have a fantastic job/side job, making 6 figures. I have a pile of money in the bank, and a girl that would do anything for me. But every day I think about things I regret and failures I have had - even from 10 years ago.
I think about Summer, and flunking out of college. I think about all the money I have blown at strip clubs, and all the bad girls (that I love/hate so much) that I have allowed to affect my life in a negative way. I think about you, how the world was at our feet, and how we let it all slip through our fingers. Even at the end when things were clear, stubborn pride, clinging to grudges and paranoia killed better sense. I think about how I can't see the future.
In any event, I do not want you feeling bad for anything that happened with us. It was important for both of us, even if the meaning was/is not entirely clear. I am sorry about rambling. Also, I don't want you to worry overmuch. I will be ok.
I am happy that <name deleted to protect the innocent> is good to you. The puzzle piece analogy is appropriate. I love you too.
me"
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
sky:
ooh Get Up Kids and Alkaline Trio.. you have good taste in music! 
morgan:
That's what I said!