pepperjanuary

I'm tired.

Also, confused. And confusing. Again.

I think I know why. I'm pretty sure - like 99.9% sure why.

But of course there's always that .1%.

If my guess is correct though, which it probably is, it will be worked out soon.

Backsliding. Is sneaky. Somehow it creeps up on you and you don't realize until you've slid back much further than you'd have liked.

Always be vigilant. In the fight. To move foward. Always moving foward.

No need to look back. No need to go back. As long as you can remember where you came from and why you left.

I remember.

Vividly.

There can be no mistaking it. The past should always remain in the past. People were meant to move foward. To move on.

I'm tired. In just about every sense of the word.

Merry-go-round. I'm not going foward if I keep coming back around to the same things, am I?

I have to wonder if I can trust myself not to betray myself. If I can trust myself at all. I've always known whats best for me, yet I don't always make the right choice. Why?

I feel compelled to destroy anything good in my life.

Simple.

Why, though?

Maybe i'm afraid to be happy. Maybe I don't know anything else. Maybe i'll just never know.

I won't stop trying to self-correct though. I know that. Correct myself.

I'm lonely. But I want to be alone. I want to be alone I just don't want to be lonely. Does that make sense?

I'm not in love. And I like that. For once I'm content with that.

The last girl, is inconsequential in my heart.

Twice I loved. Thus far.

The old girl, well I miss that one. I miss things about her I suppose. But I let her go. Whoever she was or whoever I thought she was or hoped she was/would be. Live and learn. Don't forget let go.

The older, is less important than I suspect she believes herself to be. I hold her dear, thats true. I just could never love her the same. See her the same. Want her in the same way. Nothing ever happens the same way twice. Once is all you get. If you get it again, it's more different than you could have imagined the first time.

I learned, that life gets better. If you want it to. Well no. If you make it better.

"If you don't like your situation, change it. If you can't change it, LEAVE IT. It's your fucking LIFE, man!"

You only get one. Then it's gone forever. No matter what you never got to do.

I see a clear direction to my life now. But I refuse to make plans. Plans always fail, because who can ever know what will happen tomorrow or in the next five minutes? All you need is direction. If you can't go through it, have to go around it, can't go around it, have to go under it sort of idea.

I have few friends. I used to wonder why. But it's easy to see when I step back and look at myself. The way that I am. I'm highly selective. If you are my friend, pat yourself on the back. Not because it's hard to be my friend because i'm too weird or something. But because you have met and/or exceeded a set of standards that most never will. You are the elite.

In the words of the great Miss Houston, "I'd rather be alone than unhappy."

What the hell would be the point anyway?

Time alone gives you time to think. To unweave the intricacies of yourself. Like a big knot of string. Slowly over time you figure out the puzzles.

It's daylight.