penultimate

i've never written how i feel about this. this won't really explain, but it's the best i can do in my current state of mind.

in august of 2004, my friend higgy killed himself. when i got the phone call, i dropped the phone and started screaming. i'll never forget that. my best friend called to tell me the news and she sounded so odd. at first i started yelling at her. we'd been fighting a lot at the time, my whole core group of friends was heavily fractured, and i myself had been feeling pretty hopeless at the time. i thought she was playing a mean trick on me. a moment later, i got it and i was screaming. sobbing and screaming. i never thought it could hurt that much just to breathe. i willed myself to turn back time. i actually tried to tap into some unknown magic(k)al power and reverse the hands of time. i cried until i ran out of tears and then i cried some more. there is nothing less satisfying and less therapeutic than a dry cry. i felt so guilty for not seeing the signs and angry at him for doing something so stupid. of course being angry with him only made me feel guilty again.

i just realized that i'm still angry with him. i saw his name on a mass online memorial with a searchable death database and it all came flooding back. i'm so angry that he left his little girls behind. i'm so angry that he left his friends and family behind. i'm angry that he didn't ask for help. i'm angry that every since then, whenever one of my friends leaves me a message to call them back about something urgent i brace myself for the worst. i have always been afraid of death, but now i see it around every corner. sometimes, if a friend leaves me a frantic voicemail or text and then they don't respond when i call them back, i work myself into a frenzy and i have to swallow back the sobs that start fighting their way to the surface. that's lunacy i realize, but he took away my youthful illusion of invincibility. my star power has run out (mario reference, not guitar hero).

i smiled at his funeral. i looked at his lifeless shell of a body and when i saw that he wasn't in there i found the entire production almost funny. i grinned like an idiot through the whole service. i couldn't help it. after the funeral we went to hamburger mary's for lunch and drinks and it was the best day we'd had as friends in the longest time. i broke down when the bartender asked us why we were there all dressed up. right when i said it, it was the first time i really admitted what happend and i ran to throw up.

i'm sorry this is so all over the place. i'm drugged up on sleeping pills and it's 4am.

all this has made me want to volunteer for the suicide hopeline. i signed up to help with fundraising and i plan to try to volunteer after my wedding.

i really love you higgy. i love you and i miss you so much.


if any person reading this is suicidal, i'm BEGGING you to let someone know so that they can help you. even if it's me. the choice my friend made was a terrible waste of his life. it would be a terrible waste of yours.