The pet store customer FAQ
Q: Which bird food is the best?
A: If one was better than all the others, there wouldn't be any reason to carry more than one brand. They are all exactly the same.
Q: Are you the fish guy?
A: No. I am the fish man.
Q: Is there something else in the back?
A: It would be a financial blunder to keep any stock in the back, where you couldn't get your grimy hands on it. Everything we have is in front of your face.
Q: Will my goldfish like this rock?
A: It is a topic of hot debate amongst the illogical and uneducated whether fish have the mental capacity to "like" anything at all. Similar to most customers, goldfish don't appear to operate on anything more complex than stimulus-response.
Q: Is your manager in? Can I talk to him?
A: No, because you are under the mistaken impression that speaking directly to a manager will get you faster, more professional service. This isn't a Gucci outlet.
Q: Where is the bathroom?
A: Under the giant, internationally recognized bathroom sign you passed when you walked in the front door.
Q: Can I ask you a question about hamsters?
A: I suppose it's physically possible, yes. I'm sure you won't like the answer, though.
Q: Did you know there's a dead fish in this tank?
A: Absolutely. If I stopped to pick out dead fish every time a helpful customer notices one, nothing would never get done around here. Five dead fish pulls a day will have to suffice.
Q: Doesn't it bother you that this mouse is all cooped up in this cage?
A: Not as much as it bothers me that I'm trapped in this dead-end, minimum wage job with no chance for advancement, and the fact that all I have to look forward to after I punch out is my skanky one room apartment.
Q: Which bird food is the best?
A: If one was better than all the others, there wouldn't be any reason to carry more than one brand. They are all exactly the same.
Q: Are you the fish guy?
A: No. I am the fish man.
Q: Is there something else in the back?
A: It would be a financial blunder to keep any stock in the back, where you couldn't get your grimy hands on it. Everything we have is in front of your face.
Q: Will my goldfish like this rock?
A: It is a topic of hot debate amongst the illogical and uneducated whether fish have the mental capacity to "like" anything at all. Similar to most customers, goldfish don't appear to operate on anything more complex than stimulus-response.
Q: Is your manager in? Can I talk to him?
A: No, because you are under the mistaken impression that speaking directly to a manager will get you faster, more professional service. This isn't a Gucci outlet.
Q: Where is the bathroom?
A: Under the giant, internationally recognized bathroom sign you passed when you walked in the front door.
Q: Can I ask you a question about hamsters?
A: I suppose it's physically possible, yes. I'm sure you won't like the answer, though.
Q: Did you know there's a dead fish in this tank?
A: Absolutely. If I stopped to pick out dead fish every time a helpful customer notices one, nothing would never get done around here. Five dead fish pulls a day will have to suffice.
Q: Doesn't it bother you that this mouse is all cooped up in this cage?
A: Not as much as it bothers me that I'm trapped in this dead-end, minimum wage job with no chance for advancement, and the fact that all I have to look forward to after I punch out is my skanky one room apartment.