pennyzee

I've told two people so far of my gender concerns. Okay... I'm pretty drunk right now. And I have to work tomorrow? Question mark?

Yes... I think I'm drunk. It's 5:30am. But yeah... first, I told a girl who likes me who... er... was crushing on me? She was too much for me, but very accepting of me in my entirety. My girl knows... but I need to talk to her again. I don't know how to be her boy. I'm not a good boy to her.

Tonight I told a friend / employer / neighbor / business partner. God bless her, if I believed in god, that is. Melanie... thank the spirits for her. Spirits are okay, I should guess... spirits are ghosts or drinks that get you hammered. For me, it was Merlot, a Shiraz and some half bottle of un-named wine that was already open at her and her man's place. We had a talk, a lot of wine and a hot tub. Thank all for the hot tub. Ahhhhhh..... jets. So nice.

I can't believe it's soo late. I'm clearly drunk, but talking helped so much. Why do I want to be a girl? And why is it so hard? And why am I a guy? And if I follow my desired path to be a girl, will anyone love me? Will I really be accepted enough to be myself? Will I be pretty? Will I be obvious? Will my closest relations scorn me? Disown me? If I wasn't drunk, would I write this? Why is it so hard? I'm the happiest person, so why am I making this hard for myself? Why can't I leave well enough alone? At age 27, can hormones give me breasts and hips proper? Will I miss my old self if I cross over? What do I do? What do I do? God, why can't I cry properly without estrogen in my system? Please. Why can't I write happiness? Why do I only write when I'm unhappy. Please.

I don't even know if I'd want a boy or a girl if I was a girl. God... am I emo or what? Fuck. Why can't I just wake up and be a girl and figure out if I'm a gay girl or not. Why is it so complicated? Help.