The worst part of paranoia is that sometimes you're right. Whenever major holidays draw near, I'm very grateful for my family and friends. I wish I comunnicated and saw my friends more often than I do. All most all my friends live 45 minutes or a lot more away from me, or live in other states or countries now. It's not that I wouldn't drive, take a train, or fly to see them more often, it's that It is so difficult for me to guess or gauge what my mood or cognitive ability will be when I do see them. Naturally I will feel better seeing my friends which I love, but that often doesn't cancel out how I'm doing mentally. I just want to be like my old self and feel comfortable around my friends that I have known for a long time, and not be irritable, distant, quiet. I think I'm afraid that I won't be able to really listen and take in what my friends have to say or that I'll forget our conversation because my spotty memory due to my ECT treatments. My short term memory especially can be so bad it feels what I can only image to be like alztheimer's disease. For a person that had almost a photographic memory to as an example, having to look up addresses on mapquest to places I've been tons of times in the past is very upsetting and frustrating. 