pebbles

Alright everyone I promise that I won't make a habit of this but I really need to write it down and if anyone understands that will be great. I don't want to burden anyone either, so please if you don't want to read that is fine.

I took my job and I love it, no matter the ups and downs. I will be turning 25 in less than a month now and I find it scary that I have faced death so much.

What hurts me the most is seeing a bright and loving person be cold and so quiet. When you are used to smiles, hugs and holding hands and all he does is lay in bed, it hurts a lot. Now my little buddy looks healthy and is pretty stable but I have never in my life seen the life go out of someone's eyes before. I didn't know what to say or how to act around him. I feel like I let him down and that kills me. He almost started crying when I was in there once and I froze. I couldn't help but think "what am I going to do if he cries? what will i say?"

It is so frustrating that I can't help him at all. There is medicine and things along those lines but that isn't what he needs. I feel inadequate when it comes to taking care of him. I want to be there and with him so much, but I can't bare to see him like that. I am scared to see him suffer and scared to see him die. I am scared for his family and close friends. They don't understand that, just as much as I don't.

This is the most trying and heartbreaking situation I have ever experienced. And I know in my heart that it won't be the last time.

I just pray that he will forgive me for being scared and I hope that someone can help him. I miss the old him.