When you get to be older you think a bit too much, and this causes you to see the world differently. You realize what a jackass you were in ways. How you didn't really know yourself or why you did the things you did. You start to feel bad for the people who had to deal with you back then. You look at choices you made and see where you went wrong, and went right. You see how things were out of your control to a degree because you yourself were out of control. Your childhood fucked up how you related to the world and to the people in it. Anger, sadness, confusion. Knowing you didn't know where you belonged so you just went forward the best you knew how.Years later this person feels like a stranger to you. You feel that she is someone you used to know, you shake your head at the silly things, the wrong things, the really fucking stupid things she did.
What can you do with all that? Well, hope that the people who knew you then have themselves grown as people. Hope that they would understand that people are young and confused, just sometimes broken. They need to find themselves. Sometimes they don't always find the right road. It takes a while.Hopefully they would forgive, but you can't expect them to. You hope they could though because you see things differently now. You are not that same person.You feel awful, but the past is the past.You can't go back and change it.
Not saying that girl is the ultimate, wise, hero of perfection now. No. Hell no. Just she is different. She has figured some shit out. She will never be that person ever again. At least she has grown into the person she is today. Her childhood, parents etc, no longer control her emotions, her sanity, her life. That took a hell of a long time to even realize the pain. Then even longer to break free. It is something that is always there, but not in the driver's seat.
I wish I could talk to that girl years ago and explain all this- and help her find a better path. Help calm her anxieties and fears. I would have a lot to say to her.
She was just so fucking sad. lost. confused. Didn't see the big picture. Now she does.
I guess that's growing up?
What can you do with all that? Well, hope that the people who knew you then have themselves grown as people. Hope that they would understand that people are young and confused, just sometimes broken. They need to find themselves. Sometimes they don't always find the right road. It takes a while.Hopefully they would forgive, but you can't expect them to. You hope they could though because you see things differently now. You are not that same person.You feel awful, but the past is the past.You can't go back and change it.
Not saying that girl is the ultimate, wise, hero of perfection now. No. Hell no. Just she is different. She has figured some shit out. She will never be that person ever again. At least she has grown into the person she is today. Her childhood, parents etc, no longer control her emotions, her sanity, her life. That took a hell of a long time to even realize the pain. Then even longer to break free. It is something that is always there, but not in the driver's seat.
I wish I could talk to that girl years ago and explain all this- and help her find a better path. Help calm her anxieties and fears. I would have a lot to say to her.
She was just so fucking sad. lost. confused. Didn't see the big picture. Now she does.
I guess that's growing up?