peachsky

So, I know I need to do something with myself. It depresses me to feel I have no purpose, nothing I have to give to the world. I'm twenty seven. I feel like I should at least have and idea. It's very depressing. I want to learn HTML and get working on putting web pages together or something. I do love computers. I would love to get the ball rolling on that. I just feel I will suck at it and It will be hard. So I don't try. That's bullshit I know. I have no faith in myself. If I could learn I could help My man with his projects (band and gamer stuff) I know I could. But, I am too afraid of failing. So I freeze. If I never try I can't be bad at it right? What a stupid way to think. I know it, yet I'm stuck. Like tonight I got all pumped- pulled out the "Learn HTML in 24 hours" book. I opened to the first chapter and ended up on SG. Seriously??? FUCK.

I am my own worst enemy. I assume it has something to do with my shitty parents raising me to think I am no good, and stupid and could never do anything. I was never encouraged to even try. I was too dumb. I know I'm not fucking stupid but I do find it hard to concentrate. I feel those feelings come up inside me and I quit. I am not good at keeping focus or remembering shit. It's depressing.I think because my brain never slows down. My damn OCD and Anxiey keeps me going and keeps me one step ahead so I can't fully focus on the present. It's hard to explain.

So, here I am. with this book. WTF. Maybe I'll try to read some. I just feel stupid. I hear my partents in the back of my mind. telling me I'm not good enough. fuck them. I'm this age and still stuck with these emotional wounds.