peachsky

My anxiety is running my life right now. I feel sick from it. My stomach. I feel lost, lonely, fucked and confused. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing right now? Am I doing the right things? The wrong things? Am I just being purely stupid? I don't have any answers. All I know is I need to shake this feeling fast, it's really fucking with my head. Now here I sit alone, still. Lost. Everyone else has a life, a purpose. I don't know what mine is. I just drift along, All I ever do is drift along. That feels natural to me. It's when people try to lock me in and force me to be a certain way that I get all fucked up and can't find my way back. I feel like a failure, a mess. I am so dependent.. like, I just want someone to swoop in to save me although in day to day life I won't admit that. I want to be that person. The one who nurtures. I wish I could find myself. My courage. My center. I wish I could say I know myself... I don't know if it's me or my fucking mental problems but something inside me is so lost. I doubt myself often, I judge, I am an asshole. I am just so damn pissed at myself. At my mom. I can't direct anger at a dead woman though. I keep it all within myself. I feel loved, yet like a burden. I am too dependent. I am too not right, I just feel off. I just want comfort. My panic is at such a high level everyday now. I can't shake the feeling.

I'm just so scared and angry. I could burst.