peaches101

i sit here wondering what to do with my life - i mean its good i'm happy but thats just it - they say the first 4 years of ur life are crucial that a child with a happy beginning can get thru things better - but like me a child with a bad start has problems with coping n being ok when life gets good - gods i wish someone told me this a long time ago - then maybe i could of dealt better with life - i'm happy truly happy n all i can think of are things are gonna go to shit n my life will turn itself upside down yet again - even in my subconscious i'm skrewed - i keep having dreams every night of my uncle dreams of him finding me - i guess thats why i haven't given my address out to anyone in my family besides my parents - i haven't even put in a change of address for my mail or my license - i have spurs of over joyous-ness like i lost my first 10 pounds just got 23 to go - i know i could make it go faster the old way n i fight that everyday - i want to cut all the time but i'm afraid of loosing people yet i fear i will lose them anyways - i've come so far but its almost like its not enough - i always see the bad n think that only bad can come of anything even if its something i'm happy about - its probably the reason i didn't want to graduate high school the reason i jumped to fast at cosmetology school n why i quit - i've stopped smoking yet again b/c i lost my inhaler chris found it which makes me want to start up again i want to be healthy but i want to kill off the pain which my ways of doing that are bad - i dont know why i'm like this n why everytime i go to therapy i'm happy n nothing bothers me yet right afterwards i'm down again - i buy myself thing to make me happy n they do but life just gets in the way of it all somedays i think of ending it all or atleast being hospitalized again but then i'd loose chris even tho my mind likes to keep me on my toes n say that i'll lose him anyways - i love him n my thoughts of losing him instantly go away when i'm in his arms i hate myself most days even tho i know i shouldn't i want to be better n i know i can but i'm attracted to being worse n i dont know why - i am happy i swear i am i dont like to worry people but i cant help it n for that i'm sorry i wish i could be ok with being better but something is stopping me n i dont know why...

so thats my rant....