peaches101

i just woke up n already i feel fat - i dunno why - yesterday i felt pretty damn good - i'm trying to be good - i know that when i go downstairs that i will eat - i will eat a bagel with cream cheese - what makes things worse is i have to watch my fat in take b/c my cloesteral is high - i'm only allowed 35g of fat a day - of course i have binged a few days this week causing me to drasticly go over it which in turn i get chest pains - n then i realize i eat too much n i can see exactly where it all fell on my body n i feel fat - my mom didn't help much last night - i had 3 pieces of little chocolates n my mom has the nerve to say "i thought u weren't eating candy anymore" - now i never said that - i simply said i wasn't really eating as much b/c i dont really crave it as much - but as soon as she said it i stopped eating n walked away - i by that point had finished the 2nd scarf i was croscaing(sp) (yes samm i said 2nd hee hee hee) n i didn't have me book i'm reading (life without ed) so i didn''t have i way to deal - we were at a friend of the family's house so i couldn't scream at her - which i really wanted to do - especially since she ordered me n chris to take down the tree 2day (we dont even live there) of course he told her we couldn't yet she was still set on it - she called me 2day n said not to worry about it - but i went outside n smoked with chris b/c at this point i dont care if my mother knows b/c she's the reason i do most of what i do - i try to be perfect for her i always have n i've finally desided to stop but she's making it hard to do that - so yay i feel fat n worthless - i know chris will tell me otherwise - i just cant get it out of my head