peaches

Well i'm back in the same old shit hole i was in for the past couple weeks.

I feel like i'm becoming someone i'm not in order to get where i need to be. I'm carrying the world on my shoulders.

I feel like after so many years i built something so beautiful, so delicate, so rare, and i'm letting it fall. I'm just watching it fall apart and al though it hurts me so deeply to watch it destroy, i'm not doing anything to prevent it from falling apart because that's the way it should be. Becuase its time to reconstruct something from scratch and go through the pain again, and learn things again.

I feel like i'm in a depressive bubble. I can't get out of it. No matter how much i cry and how much i think the only answer that comes in mind is to start from the top. To crumble my picture, get a fresh clean sheet of paper and start all over.

I don't feel like myself. I feel like i can do things without feeling it, without thinking of the outcome.

I feel like time is ticking faster everytime and i need to do something but i don't know what, where or how.

I need to stay focused and work towards the unfinished business. I need to sacrafice my love, my emotions, my beliefs, my hobbies, my interests. I need to destroy what life made of me and reconstruct a being that will set things the way they should have been a long time ago.

I guess, its my anger towards the world, i'm so confused, disillusioned, disapointed, frustrated! Things do happen for a reason, and although life has taught me that so many times it still hurts to know what was taken away from me.

I want to give others what they have always wanted and in order to do so, i have to give up who i am and what i am. I have to be stronger and firm.

I feel like i'm becoming a monster in disguise. I know it will make me happy to see others happy but i will also be depressed and imprissoned in a being that is unknown to me.

My heart is falling apart. After so many hits and bruises, its far from being cracked. Its broken and i'm only holding it together with tape, but the more damage it gets the more it crumbles.

I have to move forward and leave everything behind in order to become stronger. I can't look back because i know if i do i will break down.

Love can't take me where i need to be. It just comforts me. I can't do this alone anymore. Its too much to bare.

I feel like i've gone insane. Like i lost my reason for staying alive. I just want to live everyday without caring. Whatever comes up, whatever happens just let it be.

I'm just floating in space, frozen in time with nothing to lose or gain.

I don't understand why this is the way it has to be. But i guess it's life's way of saying to wake up, life's not a fairy tale. Nothing can be what you want it to be. You can live in a lie and waste your life away or do what needs to be done and set things right even if it means through pain.

I literally feel like someone is holding my heart and squeezing it until it bursts. I feel like i have so much weight on my chest.

I'm tired from crying and thinking. I have lost so much that has meant the world to me. And i know i will continue to lose more.

Only time will tell what will happen. I don't know how the story will end. But i know its not going to have the happy ending i expected it to have.