pb

"i'm breathing so i guess i'm still alive"

-Tool

sometimes, even considering, this alive thing isn't so bad.

=======================

shellshocked blank slate.. like standing at the cliff's edge, freedom and solitary thoughts on the brink of terrible, dangerous emptiness while looking down on so much potential. no one around for miles but confused voices of promises lost. i believed for the first time and somehow found myself here...here in this place. i wonder sometimes ....maybe i was here all along and simply deluded myself. they say if you believe--have faith in something--it will manifest itself into being.

i'm starting to beg to differ. i'm losing my faith.


==================

dreams are back and they're not helping.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

strange. i feel full to bursting with things to say, but for some reason really can't find the words. bottled up, stifled, gripped, shut tight. pressure pushing against the inside of me, i drift and drain the minutes[aeons] away. i've this feeling of stasis with a certain sense of accelaration...but to what i'm unsure.

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

i'm done whining. it is what it is and there's nothing more i can do, despite hopes and dreams to the contrary. who and what i am and how i love is out there and i think it speaks for itself.



========================================



broken.

i'm alive, mostly. sometimes it's a bit hard to tell, especially upon waking in the black hours before sunrise after a bit of dreamless sleep. it seems nightmares need not wait until my blues are sealed shut with tears and disbelief.

the blessed novacaine of shock has degenerated into bleak, blunt pain and flashing images; memories and promises lost.

it's familiar, this place. it welcomes home this deluded boy with its poison embraces and chiding words that drip into my skin with burning hisses and the fetid smoke of reproach.

silly boy. come inside. you knew better. spiral down inside with us. you forgot all about us and this place...but we never, never forgot you. spiral down, this warm, dead place is waiting for you...




-pb
music: nin, a warm place
book: flights

"I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguish'd, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Rayless, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came and went--and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this their desolation; and all hearts
Were chill'd into a selfish prayer for light..."

-Byron
Darkness


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lay lady lay
Lay across my big brass bed
Lay lady lay
Lay across my big brass bed
Stay lady stay
Stay while the night is still ahead
Stay lady stay
Heavens ? fills our head
Whatever colors you have in your mind
I show them to you and you see them shine
Stay lady stay
Stay with your man a while
Till the break of day
Then youre gonna see him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And youre the best thing hes ever seen
Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When hes standing over you
Lay lady lay
Lay across my big brass bed
Stay lady stay
Were gonna build the whole night ahead
I long to see you in the morning light
I long to reach for you all night
Lay lady lay




Lay Lady Lay
-Bob Dylan
covered with haunting, lost-sounding menace by Ministry