this is the text from an email sent today to one of my 
ed ones regarding my bad mood yesterday and today. my fingers are all falling off from jamming it down, so its all i feel like writing today, so there.
and, i do realize the rant below is at odds with my fluffy yummy cute kids pic, but hey i'm into irony, so sod off ya wanker.
-pb
No need to worry about me and my moods. I just have this constant low
level dissatisfaction with my life and the way the world works in
general. Sometimes I'm able to suppress or distract myself from it with
books, video games, movies, visits from sexxxxy ladies and whatnot.
Other times its hard to distract myself from work and the suckiness that
goes along with it. I just feel sometimes like I'm not made for any
type of job. I can't stand the bureaucracy of the government, the
constant ego stroking and self importance-ism, etc etc. then, when I
think of just throwing my hands up and saying 'fuck this, you, and
everything else' and just leave and go live in a tent somewhere I think
about how my life would be wasted or something. Its all very ethereal
and ambiguous...i just can't stand the fakeness in either side of the
coin and just wish people would live REAL lives and say and do what they
felt and left all the detritus aside.
I hate how the government is this self empowering, self sustaining
entity which creates work and importance for itself to admire in the
mirror. I hate how it uses the guise of doing the right thing for
nothing more than power plays to appease lust for dominance over the
lives and thoughts of its citizens. I hate how it changes its own rules
to suit its own agenda and expects its constituents and employees to
adhere to the flavor(law, rule, etc) of the week likes its gospel, and
sometimes literally. I can't stand it when I see government waste of my
tax money; like flying the president around on AF1, using supposed
non-partisan funds, so he can campaign for reelection. When I see them
paying millions on contracts to companies offering 10 year old
encryption technology that I can go home and download a code-breaker for
written by a 13 year old kid i want to puke.
But I also hate the extreme left for wanting to dictate how I should
feel or act or think and how it should be law for me to respect what
others want or change my life to appease their need for recognition. I
hate how most are bigots who preach and preach about having open minds
and letting people think what they want, but condemn people for having
closed minds, which is totally contrary to their message in the first
place. I don't want to pay for bums on the street who refuse to get a
job or welfare moms who keep having more kids just for the bigger check.
i don't want someone telling me what to drive or eat or feel or remember
to respect. I don't want to have to remember the latest list of words
black-listed as racist or insensitive or whatever. I don't want to have
to watch what I say around people just because they may take offense at
it, even though its only words and I'm completely innocent of trying to
offend them in the first place. I don't want to see conspiracy theories
written in every single hiccup in life or blame the government, society,
or The Man for my own shortfalls. I don't want to use up my life energy
championing causes, getting the government to pass laws that will only
be perverted and twisted to the ultimate ends of those in power anyway.
I don't trust people not to have a selfish agenda. I don't trust the
government to spend my tax money, my efforts on the job, or indeed my
life wisely. I don't trust myself to know better when I'm being taken
advantage of by either.
So much goes through my mind so fast all the damn time. I can't make a
decision as to where I want to point myself, what I ultimately want to
add up to when its all said and done. I feel paralyzed by it all. I
just want to switch it all off, make it stop, cut the chatter, see it
all burned down. 'the only way to fix it is to flush it all away.' I
think about that more and more and more every day.
Rant rant rant. What good does it do? Every day in this government job
I hear about how fucked up things are, how nothing we do makes any
goddamn sense...but then I see those same people shrug apathetically and
go right back to working on their useless drivel and saying "that's just
the way it is." Every day I see impassioned pleas for dying populations
and dwindling forests and expressions of dismay over gas prices...but
what gets done? Nothing. Ever. The channels for reason and change
have been so clogged with bureaucracy and egotism, everyone wants their
say or to leave their mark or to have their id stroked. Nothing
worthwhile ever gets done, and the things that do get done just make
things worse. Action is the new apathy. You see a problem and don't
know who to tell or talk to in order to change it, which government
agency to wait in line for, or which poll to throw away your useless
vote.
Well, all this badness is to you to give you a little idea of all the
crap that is constantly going through my head.
To me, there is no hope of fixing it. To me, everything put in place to
get anything at all done about or for anything is so hopelessly mired in
the apathetic bullshit that is humanity. The only magic bullet is to
burn it all down, to flush it all away, or to blow up every credit card
company location and let everyone start back from zero.
yes, fight club should be the new bible.
-pb
music: dust brothers, fight club soundtrack
book: endless nights, neil gaiman (thanks plaingurl)
ed ones regarding my bad mood yesterday and today. my fingers are all falling off from jamming it down, so its all i feel like writing today, so there.
and, i do realize the rant below is at odds with my fluffy yummy cute kids pic, but hey i'm into irony, so sod off ya wanker.
-pb
No need to worry about me and my moods. I just have this constant low
level dissatisfaction with my life and the way the world works in
general. Sometimes I'm able to suppress or distract myself from it with
books, video games, movies, visits from sexxxxy ladies and whatnot.
Other times its hard to distract myself from work and the suckiness that
goes along with it. I just feel sometimes like I'm not made for any
type of job. I can't stand the bureaucracy of the government, the
constant ego stroking and self importance-ism, etc etc. then, when I
think of just throwing my hands up and saying 'fuck this, you, and
everything else' and just leave and go live in a tent somewhere I think
about how my life would be wasted or something. Its all very ethereal
and ambiguous...i just can't stand the fakeness in either side of the
coin and just wish people would live REAL lives and say and do what they
felt and left all the detritus aside.
I hate how the government is this self empowering, self sustaining
entity which creates work and importance for itself to admire in the
mirror. I hate how it uses the guise of doing the right thing for
nothing more than power plays to appease lust for dominance over the
lives and thoughts of its citizens. I hate how it changes its own rules
to suit its own agenda and expects its constituents and employees to
adhere to the flavor(law, rule, etc) of the week likes its gospel, and
sometimes literally. I can't stand it when I see government waste of my
tax money; like flying the president around on AF1, using supposed
non-partisan funds, so he can campaign for reelection. When I see them
paying millions on contracts to companies offering 10 year old
encryption technology that I can go home and download a code-breaker for
written by a 13 year old kid i want to puke.
But I also hate the extreme left for wanting to dictate how I should
feel or act or think and how it should be law for me to respect what
others want or change my life to appease their need for recognition. I
hate how most are bigots who preach and preach about having open minds
and letting people think what they want, but condemn people for having
closed minds, which is totally contrary to their message in the first
place. I don't want to pay for bums on the street who refuse to get a
job or welfare moms who keep having more kids just for the bigger check.
i don't want someone telling me what to drive or eat or feel or remember
to respect. I don't want to have to remember the latest list of words
black-listed as racist or insensitive or whatever. I don't want to have
to watch what I say around people just because they may take offense at
it, even though its only words and I'm completely innocent of trying to
offend them in the first place. I don't want to see conspiracy theories
written in every single hiccup in life or blame the government, society,
or The Man for my own shortfalls. I don't want to use up my life energy
championing causes, getting the government to pass laws that will only
be perverted and twisted to the ultimate ends of those in power anyway.
I don't trust people not to have a selfish agenda. I don't trust the
government to spend my tax money, my efforts on the job, or indeed my
life wisely. I don't trust myself to know better when I'm being taken
advantage of by either.
So much goes through my mind so fast all the damn time. I can't make a
decision as to where I want to point myself, what I ultimately want to
add up to when its all said and done. I feel paralyzed by it all. I
just want to switch it all off, make it stop, cut the chatter, see it
all burned down. 'the only way to fix it is to flush it all away.' I
think about that more and more and more every day.
Rant rant rant. What good does it do? Every day in this government job
I hear about how fucked up things are, how nothing we do makes any
goddamn sense...but then I see those same people shrug apathetically and
go right back to working on their useless drivel and saying "that's just
the way it is." Every day I see impassioned pleas for dying populations
and dwindling forests and expressions of dismay over gas prices...but
what gets done? Nothing. Ever. The channels for reason and change
have been so clogged with bureaucracy and egotism, everyone wants their
say or to leave their mark or to have their id stroked. Nothing
worthwhile ever gets done, and the things that do get done just make
things worse. Action is the new apathy. You see a problem and don't
know who to tell or talk to in order to change it, which government
agency to wait in line for, or which poll to throw away your useless
vote.
Well, all this badness is to you to give you a little idea of all the
crap that is constantly going through my head.
To me, there is no hope of fixing it. To me, everything put in place to
get anything at all done about or for anything is so hopelessly mired in
the apathetic bullshit that is humanity. The only magic bullet is to
burn it all down, to flush it all away, or to blow up every credit card
company location and let everyone start back from zero.
yes, fight club should be the new bible.
-pb
music: dust brothers, fight club soundtrack
book: endless nights, neil gaiman (thanks plaingurl)
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
Getting old ya know, can't take a beating as well as I once did
Mostly I am an underemployed lawyer. I work in collections at my main job, make telehone authorities & foreign corps pay their bills... sucks, didnt need the JD to do it either, my boss(es) tend to look at it as a nice but not really needed bonus, a little expertise now & then that I can provide but..
really doesnt affect my job much.. although I am the semi-permanent laison to the legal folks in New Jersey.
The work I care about and the only thing that really keeps me going is the pro bono stuff. I do a lot of guardian ad litem work and occassionaly represent a child who is near majority without appointment by the court. I have also done some suits against neglectful/abusive parents by children who have just reached or recently reached majority, seeking monetary compensation. Tricky area and rare to get much but for many of them it is really about the vindication. Make the bastards pay one way or the other...
most of my legal work, however, has been kind of free lance. A guy I went to law school with worked for a high powered DC firm, he worked way too hard and often needed help with the overflow, the harder he worked the more they gave him. anyway he started giving my name out to the slacker/loser schmoozing corp guys he would meet who talked the talk but cant do the work. I mostly research and write for assholes who are too incompetent to do it themselves. Kind of sad actually I dont think i write all that well but better than them cuz man do some of these guys suck, anyway for them I have done almost everything except the very specialized areas like Intellectual Property or.... heh that is probably the big one. I recently helped a friend and his partner when they were starting a new firim, but they weren't making enough money to keep me on. That is pretty much what we expected, so I am ok with it, still hoping long term they may have something for me.
The most frustrating thing is I cant take any credit for a lot of the work I do, so I cant use it to get any other positions, but probably for the best, I dont have the big firm look or attitude.
heh this is probably more thab you wanted to know, but I rarely vent about this subject, so i guess the floodgates started to open.
Late night talks with delusion started out as a result of our mutual insomnia, but I will confess I often stay on long after I could sleep because she is so fucking cool. Besides doesn't take much rest to do my mind numbing job so 1-2 hours is plenty