pavlovsdog

I think I'm on the verge of a mid-life crisis. I want to sell my stuff and disappear, or circumnavigate the globe. I'm starting to feel trapped in Asheville. Trapped in my comfort and routine. It's not that Asheville is a bad place to live, I am very active and have many friends here, but I feel I'm going nowhere. Projects, commitments, and jobs keep roping me in and anchoring me in place. I want to cut the ropes and drift awhile. A good friend says I want to do this because I'm afraid of responsibility. I think it's true. Why else would I still be working at a coffee shop, paying rent, and sleeping alone. I've avoided responsibility like one avoids a tornado. Run away from it as fast as you can. The way I see it, the more responsibility I accept, the more chains anchor me where I am, and the further my dreams slip away from me, even if I'm not positive what those dreams are. Settling is a defeat. I feel I'm supposed to do something important, but I don't know what that is. There are too many possibilities, and time is slipping by too fast. That's the problem with modern life. From childhood we are told we can do or be anything we set our minds too, then we spend the rest of our lives chasing unobtainable goals. I spend more time thinking about things I did wrong in the past, than I do thinking about how I should get through the rest of my life. I fear that some very productive years are gone, and I don't have much to show from them. In reality I think I have Peter Pan Syndrome; I'm afraid to grow up. My friend pointed out that I'm afraid of getting old, because it reminds me of my mortality, and that scares me. She was very intuitive. I should look into finally going to Graduate school, but I'm too unmotivated. So I just keep doing the same old things that allow me to flee responsibility at the first sign of maturity.