pavlovsdog

I never thought I'd have to teach my father to walk before I taught my daughter to, or dress him before I ever dressed a son.

I also never thought his would be the first diapers I'd have to change.

Things don't look so good for my dad. They stopped his physical therapy because they said he wasn't making any progress. He still can't walk on his own, or do pretty much anything else. It looks like he'll be in the nursing home indefinitely. Oh yeah it has now morphed from a rehabilitation center to a nursing home. It also appears he is slipping into dementia. He is always confused and says some really random things. Most of the time he doesn't know where he is, but he knows he isn't home, and I know he desperately wants to come home. He can't however. Anyway home will not be there much longer. My mom is putting the house on the market the first of the year. She is unable to care for him at home and can't afford the nursing home and a house payment so she is planning on selling the house and moving into a retirement home. I feel so helpless in the whole matter. I'm dogged by guilty feelings that I'm not doing enough for my parents. I don't know how to begin. I get angry at my mom for keeping him there, but I realize I'm redirecting my anger at the whole situation onto her. There is really nothing she can do. It's a terribly depressing situation. I don't even like going over to the home because it's such a sad place. I do go over there though and I sit in the wheelchair next to his bed in his shared room and stare out the window searching for something positive to talk about, or hope he might say something slightly coherent or get out of the bed and walk out the front doors. I wish for a glimpse of the person he used to be. We usually just sit there in silence.

Of course this makes for a wonderful holiday season. I wish Christmas was light years away instead of the day after next. I haven't done any shopping, and probably wont. We didn't even put up a tree, or hang decorations this year. It will be the first Christmas ever that we will all be apart. What we need is a big snow, but I honestly believe I've seen the last snowfall in WNC. The weather is ridiculous. Sunny 60 degree days just don't get me in the holiday spirit.

I apologize if I dampened anyone else's holiday spirit. I really wish everyone a cheerful holiday. I'll be okay once the holiday pressure is passed. I look to the winter doldrums as almost a relief.