pavlovsdog

I hate cold spells in the spring. At least in the fall you know it's coming. It prepares you. When they happen in the spring it's like punishment. It's Mother Nature saying you can't go outside until your homework is done.

I've been out of sorts recently. My humors are out of whack. I think I need a bloodletting. The thing that is really upsetting me is that I think my stuttering is getting worse. For those of you that don't know, I have a stutter. It's not the worst case on earth, but it's really fucking discouraging. Usually can force it to stop, but recently it's as if I can't get a sentence without it happening, especially if I'm excited, or nervous. It makes me want to talk less. I feel like a moron when it happens. Not that I really talk that much anyway. I can't talk. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just literally I can't talk. I'm broken. There was some African story, about how before birth, there is this big market where we pick our heads that we are going to wear throughout our life, just as if we were picking out a piece of pottery. Most of the time the heads are fine, but every once in a while we pick one that is flawed; one that is chipped or broken. Most of the time we can't tell until we have it on. All I have to say is why did I have to pick a broken one.
I try to think about how many other people there are out there whole are a lot worse off than I, but it doesn't help. I hate it. I know it the root of many of my self esteem problems. I'd just rather not talk than sound like a blithering idiot. When people don't talk very much, there must be something wrong with them, they must not be normal. Everyone talks. If you want to be noticed you have to talk. You're not worth our time if you don't talk. He's the quiet guy, the QG. It should be some brand like the scarlet letter. Stay away from him, that guy is the quiet guy.
It may be hard to believe that I actually act. I get up on stage and I talk, usually flawlessly. I don't know how it's possible, but when I know exactly what I'm supposed to say, I have no trouble saying it. I do Shakespeare for God's sake. Many normal people have trouble saying Shakespeare, but by some cruel joke I don't stutter when say the lines. That is the one time I feel good about talking, I feel normal. However when it comes to making stuff up on my own, my tongue ties, my muscles stiffen, my lips stick, my mouth fails me. Too bad my life can't be scripted. If I ever lose the ability to speak clearly onstage, I think I'll literally never speak again. I'm afraid it's going to happen though, like it's some ruthless villain lurking in the shadows, waiting for the opportune moment to destroy my life. I also think many directors think that because I can't talk normally in natural situations, of course I'm not going to be able to talk on the stage. Auditioning for these people is the worst. Saying a monologue or reading a script is fine, but it all goes to hell if I ever have to sit down and talk to them. At times I'd rather cut out my tongue, than to utter one broken word. It can be real depressing.
I also don't stutter when I sing, but one can't sing their way through life. Plus I'm not really that good of a singer.