okay, time for a new post and a big time rant
I think i've finally reached the age where I just don't give a shit about how inappropriate I may seem for standing up against what's not right.
That bold honesty may prove to be my undoing, but fuck it, I've got nothing to lose by being real.
See, I went out one night with a friend about 6 or 8 months ago, not looking for anything other than good music, drink and conversation. Then some young thing decides that I'm the bee's knees and proceeds to chat me up. By the end of the night she has coaxed me into giving her my number. We eventually hang out, have sex and more sex and find some kind of spectacular spark. But I'm old and damaged and cautious and not apt to give away my heart so freely and foolishly like I did when I was young. Still, time passes on, and we spend more of it together, and she begs to me to share more of my life with her. I acquiesce gradually, admitting to myself how fond i've grown of her. When her birthday rolls around in late september, I step up in a huge way, baking her a special dinner, with a gluten-free chocolate cake (fucking tasty, too, I should say), phenomenal sex in the kitchen, expensive lingerie, a full body massage and more amazing sex. Then, life switches gears, her university courses resume. My birthday comes up, and I get a cold. The next week she gets a cold. Weeks pass and we don't see each other. More weeks pass, we make plans and she backs out. Texts and emails mostly go unanswered, and what little responses I get are curt and emotionless. Eventually, i get frustrated by the mixed messages she's sending, and my passion unleashes a tirade on how confusing she's being.
Finally, I get a response, but it's just about the nature of how I said what needed to be said. I apologize for my tone, but stick to the genuine and salient griefs. I suggest we meet and talk and avoid the perils of email, to which plans are made and again she breaks with minimal communication and no real explanation.
I din't expect to fall in love with this person ...i even tried not to
but fate is funny that way. I kept writing , but more calmly ...about my feelings and hopes and fondness for what we shared ..but again without reply.
So, i get frustrated again tonight and challenge her to own her shit. I write yet another letter, but don't hold any punches (figuratively, for i'm a gentle man, through and through)
meanwhile, this keeps playing in my head, and it follows me throughout my day, popping up in random places
shouldn't there be some unspoken law that it's not right to fuck with the hearts of righteous single dads?
I think i've finally reached the age where I just don't give a shit about how inappropriate I may seem for standing up against what's not right.
That bold honesty may prove to be my undoing, but fuck it, I've got nothing to lose by being real.
See, I went out one night with a friend about 6 or 8 months ago, not looking for anything other than good music, drink and conversation. Then some young thing decides that I'm the bee's knees and proceeds to chat me up. By the end of the night she has coaxed me into giving her my number. We eventually hang out, have sex and more sex and find some kind of spectacular spark. But I'm old and damaged and cautious and not apt to give away my heart so freely and foolishly like I did when I was young. Still, time passes on, and we spend more of it together, and she begs to me to share more of my life with her. I acquiesce gradually, admitting to myself how fond i've grown of her. When her birthday rolls around in late september, I step up in a huge way, baking her a special dinner, with a gluten-free chocolate cake (fucking tasty, too, I should say), phenomenal sex in the kitchen, expensive lingerie, a full body massage and more amazing sex. Then, life switches gears, her university courses resume. My birthday comes up, and I get a cold. The next week she gets a cold. Weeks pass and we don't see each other. More weeks pass, we make plans and she backs out. Texts and emails mostly go unanswered, and what little responses I get are curt and emotionless. Eventually, i get frustrated by the mixed messages she's sending, and my passion unleashes a tirade on how confusing she's being.
Finally, I get a response, but it's just about the nature of how I said what needed to be said. I apologize for my tone, but stick to the genuine and salient griefs. I suggest we meet and talk and avoid the perils of email, to which plans are made and again she breaks with minimal communication and no real explanation.
I din't expect to fall in love with this person ...i even tried not to
but fate is funny that way. I kept writing , but more calmly ...about my feelings and hopes and fondness for what we shared ..but again without reply.
So, i get frustrated again tonight and challenge her to own her shit. I write yet another letter, but don't hold any punches (figuratively, for i'm a gentle man, through and through)
meanwhile, this keeps playing in my head, and it follows me throughout my day, popping up in random places
shouldn't there be some unspoken law that it's not right to fuck with the hearts of righteous single dads?
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
on another note, um, yeah there should be a law against fucking with other people's hearts in general. sadly (or not), time has taught me that we're all damaged, some more than others, and sometimes when "love" happens, it's just not the right time. the last time i opened my heart enough to let it love and be loved i was sorely disappointed and fell apart in a big way. now, i'm trying to teach myself to love more freely in general, with friends and family and when the right time and person comes into my life *hopefully* i'll be ready for it and won't let my emotional trauma prevent me from getting and giving love to another person.
sad hearts suck. the hurt sucks. the disappointment and shattered hopes are the worst of the suck.
and i totally get the need and want to just pull into yourself and close up. (i've spent most of my life doing that)
but i'm glad you're speaking up and at least putting your feelings and responses out there. people need to know how their actions effect others.
best wishes, i'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. let the hurt happen and flow and let the healing begin.