paolodesade

Friends come and go with time, enemies accumulate.

So, I typed this into an email to myself a couple of weeks ago as I was out and about, so that I could later post it here. And then I forgot about it until I stumbled accross it today, so here it is...

So, last week as I was walking downtown portland I saw this girl walking toward me and I thought to myself "I know that girl, oh my god its ______." I don't want to name her now cause I wouldn't want her to feel bad if she reads this. Anyway, as she approched me I debated whether or
not I should say hi, as I have not actually been introduced to her. I'veseen her dance and I've left her comments on her journal, but we've never had conversation, I'm sure she would not recognize me. So I smile at her as she aproches, still deciding if I should say anything and if so what?
Maybe "hey, aren't you that girl ______ on the intraweb thingy?" cause I think that would be funny and non-threatening. But as soon as I smile, her face shuts down and her eyes focus way off into the distance and I realize that she sees me as "one of them", just anouther middle aged guy
who wants to tell her his favorite fantasy that he has about her or that he masturbated to her picture 42 times last month alone or... Whatever. What reminded me of this was that yesturday I was at the square and Powell's books is having their tent sale and while I was looking at the books I saw this tattoo on a girls arm across the table from me and I recognized the tattoo. I know I've seen it on an SG recently, and so I was concentrating on the tattoo and trying to remember who she was and I look up at her face again to see if I recognize her yet and she is glaring at me. I guess maybe she thought I was looking at her chest or something (I don't know if she had one to look at or not, I was focusing so hard on the tattoo that I didn't even notice). So, two encounters in 7 days where the girls thought I was "one of them". Makes me feel old. I rememder the days when a girl would catch me checking her out and she would be flattered and come over and flirt with me... Now they just want to call the cops or something.

Funnny thing, I actually met ______ at a thing since then, and I said hi, and she totally ignored me. She didn't really talk to anyone else much either, so maybe I shouldn't take it personally... but then the low self-esteme and adolecent insecurities rear their ugly heads once again...

I really like the members that I meet at get-togethers that are closer to my age, as we seem to be able to have conversation, but the younger ones and the SG's themselves - for the most part - while they are good humans, we don't seem to have that much in common. Or maybe they see me as just a thirty-something "straight" guy and they don't see the misfit that I always was and always will be inside. No, I don't have a mohawk anymore (it would look a little silly now, since I'm balding) and I don't wear eyeliner anymore 'cause at my age, that would just be - well, you know...but inside me there still lives all my past selves - the geek, the jock, the rebel, the punk rocker, the goth, the loner, the scared little kid who just wanted to be loved and now just wants it to stop...the father looking at his son's face for the very first time - realizing that nothing else in the world matters as much as this, And I am totally unprepared. Still am.

Have a wonderful weekend all, sweet dreams and pervy thoughts... Paolo