pandemonium

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going and I'm still pissed off when I realize I'm lost.

Today was a flux of emotions. I was really upset earlier for no good reason. And then, suddenly, after I saw a truly beautiful movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, everything was perfect for a while. I walked up and down Palisades Mall with my friend Clare and her friend Liz, and it was good. Then after we parted ways, I began to feel really melancholy. I went to Tower Records. Seems nobody has any copies of The Eagles of Death Metal in stock. I bought a Wumpscut CD, the new VAST CD and the KMFDM DVD with their music videos. I really don't know how I feel today. Everything except emotions feels like its passing in slow motion. Sometimes I wonder where I stand with people but I don't want to say. Other times I don't even care. And sometimes I just feel lonely even when I'm with friends.

I want to watch Lost in Translation again, because I can't watch Eternal Sunshine again yet. Both of those movies know how I feel. It's almost terrific, really, to feel that well connected to flashes of light and color projected on a screen.

I've been writing poetry inside my head at a million lines a minute ever since the movie ended. So far the only thing that's stuck is "being with you is like screaming".

Being with you is like screaming

I'm not sure what it means yet, but I like it.

I want a girlfriend. I need to start dating again. It's been over a year now. I'm starting to get antsy again, but nothing seems right.

Maybe after I sleep things will make more sense in my cement.

Or maybe I just need to slow down. I need to calm my head. I don't know what happened to me. I think I need to spend a weekend camping or something. I can't wait for it to get warmer out.

I think I need to breathe more often.