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pandasloth

Newburyport (aka. Innsmouth)

Member Since 2004

Followers 44 Following 71

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Saturday Jun 27, 2009

Jun 26, 2009
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If you love someone, its apt to let them go. Love derived of selflessness is love, realized. Though it has been said, many millenniums past that selflessness is impossible. For every selfless act, there is a selfish imp behind it's motive. I am selfish, selfish and vain. I am also a fool, and continuously foolish. I allow my weakness voice, here I am singing for thee. I call out to the predator, have at it friend! This is evolutionary suicide and yet here I am. What malfunction of fate has been the impetus of my formation?! I should not be here! I cannot scream with the written word, that being a silly statement, and I am thus forming a laughable supposition, that I am so very important, and that you, whom ever you might be, care. (Please don't ) I'm not sure I could.

All of this, ALL of this over a female of the species. A girl that I "loved" and who's shadow, looms over me, who's form shapes the screen all others must adhere to, and who's knowledge and acceptance of me, must, MUST be emulated to a quantum level of accuracy. I can't tell her this. I cant speak the words. I can't tell her again and again that I love her, though covet may be more apt a description. I lost her. I let her go. I keep trying to forget, to burn away this old body, this mind, this geist. We've been apart for some time now. But I have her eyes in my soul. Her lips mouth words at me in my sleep; I see a flash of teeth, and a flip of the tongue. Eyebrows curled, hair a mess, eyeliner dripping in ribbons, down, down, down.

Skin; sex; lust; madness.

I'm feeling my isolation much more these days, from friends, from family, from the ideal of a dream that was formless in my youth. I've been crushing down this well of sorrow now for many, many years. It was only a matter of time before it collapsed into the event horizon of pitiless metaphor. I can't take myself this seriously, why should you? I've made a mistake. I've lost real love, and have sincere doubts that I shall ever regain it, or find it in anyone.

No one; will do.

What then is this? Have I a moral lesson? Have I a pearl of wisdom to be gleaned from all this drivel?
The simplest of ways in which I can state it is thus: When the spirit fills you up, when the timeless forces of natural selection, will you towards another being, shot like a ballistic missile, illuminated like the light of nuclear fire, immolated in the poetry of language and love; do not falter, do not waver, do not give in. They will be all that is, and all that you could have been. Revel in your time, for it is all the space with which you will be allotted. There are no extensions. All things will end. The sooner you come to this realization, the closer you will be to me, and that is all I've ever wanted. You and me. Where are you? Why aren't you here? Why are there so many layers separating us?

We're so right for each other.
You, and I.

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