pandara

I'm going to start this one by saying that I know I have been blogging about heroin lately. It's a crazy thing. I am so clean and I have never done it, ever. It has always been in the background of my life though. I can't really figure out why that is. There were junkies around when I was a kid. I grew up in the Inland Empire and there is a lot of drugs there. When I was teen I was a wild little thing and hung with all the other wild things. This meant some older boys in their 20's. They were junkies too. But they were cool and in bands and it was fun. I had one boyfriend that I really liked. He was a junkie so I would never sleep with him. That wasn't the end of our relationship. It was the pressure of dating in that crowd. I had another friend that was a junkie. Well on methadone. He was the most unlikely type. He was all into D&D and lived in his parents garage. He was super nice. I would take him to get his methadone and he would pass out. Then when I worked at the hospital we had a heroin baby. It was in the hospital over a month being detoxed. I was very attached to this baby. She actually did go home with her mom which has always confused me. About 3 years later I met this mom again and she was pregnant. She had cleaned up. I was so happy for her. She worked and was a great mom. She started having labor and it was painful so she shot up. She went to the hospital in labor high on heroin. Don't really know when she really started again. The baby was kept and detoxed and sent to her mother for care. She cleaned up again and got her baby back. Now my friend that just had a baby 7 weeks ago's partner fell off the wagon again. He did several times in her pregnancy.



I don't want these experiences anymore. I live in a town with a lot of drugs now. A lot of heroin. It will come up again. I know it will. Especially as a midwife I am bound to see more families with addictions in them.



I have other stresses tonight. Life can be so frusterating. I am not the best communicator in person and I hate conflict. It is my biggest challenge in life. It makes me want to run far far away. I freeze. I get scared. It is a serious handicap and has been for much of my life. ugh

I did go roller skating tonight with my kids and it was fun.
They used to be so cute and little. They are not like this anymore. They are growing up so fast.


So some questions.

Do you have many friends?
Do you cry alot?
Do you eat cheese?
Do you like camping?
Do you think to much?
Do you ever feel guilty?