pandamonium

> CHUTES AND SPILLS -- Near Miss -- Unconfirmed
>
> Iraq | A group of Marines located some surplus parachutes that
> had been taken out of active circulation. The silk chutes were
> good for nothing more than providing shade in Iraq--or midsummer
> mischief. To begin with, they popped two chutes and competed to
> see who could run 100 meters fastest while dragging a chute, but
> in short order the Marines moved on to more daring adventures.
>
> The most prominent ideas floated were to either jump off the top
> of the barracks, or paraglide off the back of a truck driven along
> the beach. Obviously jumping off a building wasn't wise, and the
> long drive to the beach precluded immediate gratification. But why
> not deploy a canopy behind a car while driving, like a drag racing
> parachute?
>
> With proper planning, this might have caused no more damage than
> a missing bumper, but without proper planning, it almost provided
> one Lance Corporal with a premature death. You see, in the
> interest of saving time, the Marines attached the chute to the
> driver instead of the car. The driver buckled in, and the chute
> was tossed out of the sun roof of the Eclipse.
>
> The first two runs were a "failure" because the chute didn't catch
> enough air. After a brief moment of thought, the men held the
> chute open behind the Eclipse while the driver, now pumped full of
> adrenaline, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The stretch
> of road was no longer than 200 yards, but it was the longest drive
> ever taken by that Marine.
>
> The canopy quickly expanded to its fullest, the loose cords pulled
> taunt, and the driver was lifted dramatically off his seat. He
> found himself suspended in the cabin of the car with only the
> seatbelt preventing him from being yanked through the
> sunroof. What with being pulled in different directions, the cord
> lacerations, and the fear of crashing into barriers a hundred feet
> ahead, he had had enough!
>
> However, in his position against the roof of the cab, he couldn't
> do much about the situation. The young man realized that he had a
> legit chance of being the next dumb Marine to accidentally kill
> himself.
>
> After what seemed like an eternity, he finally managed to stretch
> his limbs far enough to depress the clutch and pull the emergency
> brake. The car stopped suddenly--not to the sound of screeching
> tires, but to the sound of cracking fiberglass. With the car at
> rest, the Marine expected that he would slide back down to his
> seat and beat a hasty retreat from that death trap. Instead he
> remained inexplicably pressed against the roof of the cab. He
> struggled with the seatbelt, released the five-point parachute
> harness, and slithered out of the car, breathing a prayer of
> gratitude.
>
> Observers had seen the parachute canopy sway violently from side
> to side behind the small car. At the very instant the driver had
> pulled the brake, the chute had caught on a concrete Jersey
> barrier next to the buildings. It was a gut-wrenching moment. If
> he had braked a foot later, the Marine would have been crushed
> between the opposing forces of the moving vehicle and the
> stationary parachute.
>
> The loud cracking fiberglass noises were the sounds of the cords
> compressing the sunroof into the top of the car and breaking the
> spoiler loose from the trunk. The small crowd rippled with the
> nervous laughter of people who had narrowly survived a runaway
> roller coaster.
>
> A sailor who witnessed the stunt from the E-club came running out
> with disbelief. "Are you trying to get a Darwin Award, Marine? Why
> did you do that?"
>
> The Marine answered in the most matter of fact voice, "We got bored."

**********************************************

> Putting the Pain in Propane -- Near Miss -- Confirmed by Darwin
>
> December, Florida | The District Chief of the Jacksonville Fire
> Rescue Department reports, "An engine company sent a request for
> us to extinguish a routine trash fire. The Lieutenant said, 'You
> gotta see this.' An intoxicated group of men had decided that
> throwing paint cans into their 55-gallon drum fire was fun, but
> not fun enough. They escalated the excitement by tossing in not
> one, but three 20-pound propane cylinders.
>
> "Partially-empty cylinders are actually more dangerous than full
> ones because they cannot absorb as much heat prior to venting or
> exploding. The fun went south when one cylinder violently vented
> toward an unfortunate reveler. I cannot reveal the patient's name
> due to HIPPA laws, but he was transported to a burn unit for
> attention to his 'party favors.' I understand that the gene pool
> is still at risk from these rocket scientists, as the close call
> was not fatal."