panda_pewp

This afternoon my Uncle Danny called me from my Grandmothers phone. Assuming it was my Grandma I answered "GRANDMA!!" There was a long pause. "....Amanda, this is Uncle Danny..." OH NO no I cried and asked if what had happened? Was she actually gone? He said "No, but we are moving her to hospice care today, the doctor says she has a few days left" I cry harder, knowing my Grandma is suffering. My Uncle Danny said they were going to keep her comfortable. I cry more, tell him I love him and hang up.

I was supposed to be going to the court house today. To get copies of the court ordered visitation agreement. Not now. FUCK

I honestly have no idea what to do. MY heart is being pulled in a million different directions. I love my Grandma more than anything in the world. She raised me. She raised me and survived breast cancer!!!!!! AT THE SAME TIME??!! How rad is that?? I am anxious....no beyond anxious. I am in shock right now. I want to go home, but I honestly don't think I can emotionally handle all of that right now. My family, everyone crying, everyone mourning the glue that held our family together. No. Not right now. And I know what Grandma would say "Amanda, you have so much to deal with right now, you stay there with Livvi, she's what's the most important" My Grandma wouldn't want me to see her the way she is now. And I don't want to see her that way. I want to remember her just like I do now. From the pictures I have of her and Grandpa. Happy, smiling, healthy , alive. There's one picture I have that my favorite of them together. Taken at an Olan Mills portrait studio. she's wearing this amazing turquoise dress and Grandpa is wearing one of his suits with a clip on tie. He loved his clip on ties. She looks so happy. This is the way I want to remember her, not in a hospital bed dying.

Now, back to the picture. I want to get it tattooed on my right arm. opposite to the nursing mom tattoo. Hopefully soon I'll be able to afford to get it.