panda

SO I've come to the conclusion that you can never relaly complain about something or vent without a generous ammount of people telling you to grow the fuck up.

basically this is how I deal with stuff guys. I get it out, I get angry, I vent, I bitch...and then I take a deep breath an its back to the drawing board. if I dont get it out it stay inside....not exactly what I'd like.

Now dont get me wrong, some people have been real nice and sent cheery messages even though I'm not really looking for that. But some people insist on the "you're hot, get over it, I have everything figured out so listen to me" approach. well that can be quite condescending to someone whos not even looking for advice is now getting poked at.

and venting doesnt make me less of a strong person. we all have our battles and if you really want a run down (for those who think that I'm some heart-broken sap...which I'm really not) of whats bothering me here goes...I've been really good not to go into detail because i dont feel the need to bother others with my problems but the coles notes are as such:

1- friend I met in Oakland and was intimate with (if you even wanna call an animal-fling intimate..whatever, it was all fun n games) broke my esteem to a thin wire when I got home, making me feel like a slut, a con-artist, and everything else inbetween. it just broke me because I went to SF to escape the drama of Ottawa, and all I was looking for were some cool peeps to hang with. not get sent home wishing I had never bothered.

2- also pulled in his friend who now doesnt talk to me (who I origionally went down to see) into it and I'm left thinking you'd like to know someone is kind and good but you just never know, I stil dont know but I've given up asking, lets just put it that way. I miss talking to him on IM. I wish I could wipe slates clean.

3-living at the hostel for a week and meeting the young travelers put me in a terrible mindset when I left. I came to the conclusion that I was never ready to have a child and I have a thousand regrets everyday...and even more since I[ve been back. its a difficult thing to resent your life, even if there are things in it that are supposed to be so wonderful. This thought brings on a guilt that makes you feel like sending your child away and doing yourself in. Its a horrible feeling.

4-People in this town and scene disgust me, but I have too many lifelines in this town to leave, it makes me feel like I'm living in a cage...yeah cliche I know, but whatever.

5-My health is fucked up, everyday I find out something new is wrong with me. if I have to take any more than 5 supliments in the morning from now on I'm gonna fucking puke. 4-year decreased bone mass is my latest quam, due to being on Depo for over 5 years...apparently it wont get better even if I stop the med...well, thank you modern medecine! fawk. I have more blood-tests for other things to come back tommorrow, we'll see how bad life is then.

there are smaller things aswell but I dont want to keep any readers here all day so thats the sitch.

In other news, Its getting warm in Ottawa...going up to 24 degrees tommorrow (thats about 80 degreed for you farenheighters) It'll prolly rain later in the day but I've been loving the smell of warm rain these days.

found a new favorite song by Postal Service "this place is a prison"...yeah yeah, I know "cry you a fucking river" but I like the lyrics and the inbetween melodies.

"what does it take to get a drink in this place? "