Hi loves! I am so sorry I've been so quiet! I've kinda been all over the place.
Where to start... well, Burning Man was incredible. I loved it sooo much. It was perfect, but also really challenging. Just the way it should be.
I came back and decided I would spend some time in San Francisco, so I've kiiinda been on these guy's couch for a good while. Hoping to move out soonish!
So I'm in San Fran. and things are looking good. I applied for a bunch of jobs and got one at a Tie Dye shop on Haight street! Super excited. Modeling work is coming in super well here too! I will be doing more erotic work as time goes on. loving it.
So, while I was at Burning Man one day I was having a particularly hard time. I hadn't slept yet after seeing Infected Mushroom on acid with one of my best friends. My other friend had had the worst trip of his life and I somehow convinced myself I was responsible for taking care of him and everyone around me, but couldn't handle it. I had been crying all day so I wandered over to a camp who I knew would help me, and walked into a women's circle. How freaking perfect. I stood there blubbering and blabbering about my problems and was just so loved and supported. Afterwards, the lovely woman running it took down all our emails.
I returned to San Francisco, dusty and tired. About a week later, I received an email from the same beautiful woman saying she was doing a spiritual healing retreat in Peru! I couldn't think of anything more perfect.
I got there, and fell in love with Peru. It felt right.
I went out on my birthday on my own for one last hurrah before I had to be sober (we were going to be taking Ayahuasca, and one needs to prepare a lot for it.) As soon as you say it's your birthday... free drinks pour in. People were so kind and put up with my lack of knowledge of the Spanish language. Oh and I completely blacked out and woke up in some guy's house with the best view of the city.
So then we went on the retreat. It was intense and amazing. I felt really resistant to a lot of the work we were doing, but I know it helped me so much in the long run. We could all stand to look at our thought patterns and work them out!
One day we had a day off so I went on a hike up to some ruins and made a canine pal along the way!
Felt so free and amazing.
One of my favourite parts of the retreat was the work we did with the coolest shaman ever. We did a couple plant ceremonies - San Pedro and Ayahuasca.
The San Pedro was lovely. I didn't feel it very intensely, but it helped me a lot. I let go of some past worries that had been holding me back. And I felt really in touch with my femininity and sexuality. I was reminded to live in my hips.
The ayahuasca ceremony was very intense for me. As it started off, I felt the worst panic and fear I've felt in my entire life. My body was shaking and contorting. The visuals were all coming at once. I was overwhelmed. I was constantly reminded to let go by the shaman but I couldn't manage. I kept resisting. Until Andy came. Andy is my lover from Scotland. He is amazing. Although he was not physically with me, I felt his presence so strongly. He promised to help me and stay with me until I felt safe. This is when I calmed down.
Then mother ayahuasca showed me people, and love. All I felt was connection. So many people in my life came in and I shared gratitude for them.
I was told to trust myself, and this has stuck with me so deeply.
I was shown a glimpse of a higher power, a collective consciousness that is all of us that is infinite and guides and dictates for matter how to behave.
I feel alive.
The shaman also put me in touch with one of my favourite performance artists, Annie Sprinkle. I spoke to her yesterday and hopefully will be doing some work with her!
He also has put me in touch with the shaman who taught him. I am hoping maybe to go to the jungle next summer to do some work with plant medicines with him.
So, things are happening. I feel a bit unstable having just come back here, but hey. What's the rush. There is no wrong answer. There is only me.
Much love all.
