palebloom

he didn't call last night.

i half expected him to, but now i'm sure he won't call again. this is his game. not like i can call him... no minutes on his phone, don't know where the fuck he is.

barbara's going to see linkin park in long beach tonight.

i'm going to try to keep existing.

grrrrrah. such problems. don't think he's going to call again. frustrates me that i'll never know what he wanted to say.

fuck everything.

grrrrrrr! i'm so sick of being on edge.

uhh... so, stuff happened. i don't really feel like rehashing most of it, but he called my house last night... i wasn't home. part of me is glad, and part of me is pissed off.

i'm all nervous now, because i don't know what he wanted to say. i hope to god he isn't trying to apologize, because i'm a sucker for his wiles, or...
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okay, i am so fucking confused right now that it is ridiculous. my guts feel raw.

i do not understand how to let go of the last two years of my life. i do not understand how to get along without someone who was the only person i had for a while.

he was so important to me. i can't believe the way he left......
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how are there still SO MANY soft feelings inside me for someone who did something like that to me?

pot is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

i tried calling him twice today already; his cellphone is out of minutes... and he's right, i am weak.

and stupid.

and still in love.

i forgot, barbara and i are speaking again. it's cool, for the most part. i feel like she kind of thinks of me as a big dumb kid, though... we'll see what happens.

okay, like... i really don't know. i'm watching the sound of music, and attempting to continue existence.

i got dumped.

it was gay.

as if things needed to get worse, right?

he called me ugly and told me i needed to gain weight. he told me i'd never have anyone good in my life and that i was a bad person. he told me i...
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so, i guess i'm starting this. i've been putting it off "until i actually have something to say," but as it doesn't look like the state of things is changing anytime soon, i figure - what better time than now?

one of us is still dead, the other is still a wreck, and me... i took off work today because i was feeling zonked this...
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