pajamamama

My son...I miss him SO much. He is 8 and he is already gone all day...he leaves at 8 am and dones't come home until 7 pm...I miss him while he is gone. Funny...they are little and you think about them having friends and going off but you don't think you have to deal until they are like 14...I usually have everyone here...him and his friends but since I have been sick all the Mom's here were nice enough to have him there. He came home tonight...early...only cause I told him I would make him a chicken patty and I had decorated for Christmas...his first reaction was...I AM COMING HOME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To his dismay I did not get a tree. I told him I could never get tree without him and his sister...NO WAY! So, he had dinner and the layed down on the couch with me...he told me he missed me and that he wanted to spend all day tomorrow at home and decorating...he is too much. So I laid sat on the couch with him and he put his head in my lap and he told me how much he missed me and that he loved me and I thought about the first day I knew about him. I was 21...only knew his Dad for 4 months...I JUST turned 21 never lived alone, never paid a bill, nothing and now here I am old enough for all the things I never did but too young...to me...to have a baby...I had never even held one. I had NO idea what to think. I have never been so scared in my life. I remember crying and calling the doctor and them telling me I had to wait for 3 months to come in...I went in...they put this thing on my belly...I was alone...and she said "I can't find his heart beat, I am sending you for an ultrasound now" I remember, even now, walking down those stairs being alone and scared and putting my hand on my belly and saying "you are okay Nicholas" even though I had NO idea he was a boy...I got down there...they found his heart beat and I cried...happy and alone and I could have cared less...it was my baby he was okay and he was there...I went home and made him a tape of James Taylor songs and anything I could think of that he may like when he was born. I had problems when I was pregnant with him...I ended up on bed rest but the day he was born they kept loosing his heartbeat and they put this internal monitor on his head...and as he laid on me tonight and I ran my fingers through his dirty hair I could see the scars and I could remember that what those scars meant to me..it meant he was alive...and that he was okay...he was born and I had a fever...he failed his APGAR test and they took him away...I passed out a couple hours later...like literally on the floor a couple times with smelling salts...I woke up at 4am and all I could think was...where is my baby...I wandered down the hallway to find him in the nursery and he was there...not crying...eyes wide open....like when he was born..."here I am" and I asked the nurse if I could have him...she handed him to me...I have never been able to let go since. He is amazing. He really is.. I never planned him and I had never wanted kids...but I had or have never been so happy in my entire life....he is amazing...everything he does...and how he impresses me everyday just by being himself... Me...who never wanted kids...ended up with two unbelievably wonderful people...and I don't say kids now cause when they grow up they will be everything I wanted to be and wished to be and I am thankful I get to be here to watch them grow into these amazing people...and they are amamzing...they are just themselves...what everyone wants to be...I love them more then life itself.