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pagz

Canada

Member Since 2005

Followers 69 Following 91

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Sunday Nov 11, 2007

Nov 10, 2007
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It's Sunday morning, 2:10am. I am a gibbering wreck. I don't know why. I had a good day. Now, inexplicably I'm just breaking down. I wish someone could fix me. I wish I could fix myself.

I try to fill my days. I try to keep my mind off of it, but I just can't. It's always there, in the background.

I've been beaten, many many times. I've been robbed. I've been mugged. I've had knives pulled on me. I've had a gun stuck in my face. I've lost people I love to disease and despair. Losing Shauna is the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. It's beyond my ability to adequately explain. People seem to think I should just be able to bounce back from this. They don't understand why I'm still affected. How can I explain it?

When that tweaked out lunatic had a gun pointed at my face I was scared shitless. I thought that was the end of my life. I thought I was going to die in that parking lot. How do you explain to someone that having the girl you love leave you is ten million times more traumatic? I don't have nightmares about that night in the parking lot. I have nightmares about Shauna. I have dreams where she's come back, and when I wake up my world falls apart all over again.

It's hard enough to cope with it without having people constantly pushing me, telling me to move on, telling me I'm better off. Fuck off. I am not "Better off". If I were better off, I'd be happy. I am not happy. You know what would make me better off? If my life hadn't taken this dramatic nose-dive.

I've got people trying to "help" me move on. Urging me to get back out there. Some people even pursuing me. Well, I'm sorry, but it's just not going to happen. I am not going to meet someone and forget all about Shauna. How could I even try right now? The poor person who got me right now would be constantly compared to Shauna, and Shauna was the most wonderful person I've ever known. How can anyone compete with that? It's not fair. not to them, and not to me.

It's going to be a very long time before I can have someone again. I'm ruined for relationships. I don't trust anyone anymore. It's the worst part of this whole thing. The thing I never tell anyone. I trust no one now. Not friends, not family, no one. People I've known and loved for years. I don't tell them of course, but it's true. I loved and trusted Shauna more than anyone else ever in my entire life. I'd never been so devoted to or invested in a single person like that before. Having her lie to me, cheat on me and leave me... The damage is extensive.

I'll never let on. I'll never treat the people I love differently. But I'm not letting anyone get that close. Humans, they're capable of anything. Being truly in love was the greatest experience of my life, and also the most tragic. Sometimes I wish it had never happened to me.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of Love: Mostly Painful. Avoid if at all possible."

So true. Lesson learned.

I'm going to drink a lot now.
twinkie:
I have no real advice except take all the time you need and let yourself heal.
Nov 19, 2007

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