I hate 12:47 am. I hate Monday.
I just got off the phone with Amado. And, within the past two hours I think Ive lost most of my organs, somewhere in the pipe works of my bathroom toilet.
The meat of the story, is that he has found someone else, or shall I say, someone also. I dont know why I do it, I stay so logical, level-headed, calmmethodical for awhile, until I start to cry. And instead of hearing all the words he says, I think of all the things I could have done differently to make this relationship less stressful for him. Ha.
And I feel like Im falling, even now, I wonder how my heart which as far as I have known is the same as my kidneys or my lungs, can tear into so many pieces, and yet still pump blood. Que Sappho, no?
And its not over. Either because for the first time Ive had enough balls to say that the decision needs to be mutual, even though I find it hard to argue with someones preferring anothers company to your sole company. Or because he still feels guilty.
And all this time he keeps saying what horrible person he is. And the angrier I should be getting, the more I love him. And he thinks HES the fucked up one, right?
And I wonder howit is that I can place enough land mines to blow up a persons sanity and not get blamed.
And all I want is for us to try. To see if we can or cannot be together. I want to spend time with him, be around him more. I want him to come here like planned, and drive back to Colorado with me, and hug me and tell me he loves me, andmean it.
And he says he loves me. And that he wants to try. And then he says he likes/wants to be single. Which I still have trouble understanding if his cause for worry is the fact he wants to be with someone else.
I worry that I pressured him. Or he feels that I did. I find it ironic that the girlfriend that asked the least future of him, caused him to fear it the most.
This happens to me a lot. Well, enough anyway. Seems I am entertainment, an intermission, but not a real headliner. I will spare the vulgarities I want to use now, but will fill in the blanks with the image of a girl who men will fuck, and shoot pool with, but is still easy enough to surrender.
And I find it funny that this is a boy I didnt loose interest in, as usual. A boy I was loyal to. A boy I didnt second guess.
I am a wounded soldier. I am the civilian casualty.
I just got off the phone with Amado. And, within the past two hours I think Ive lost most of my organs, somewhere in the pipe works of my bathroom toilet.
The meat of the story, is that he has found someone else, or shall I say, someone also. I dont know why I do it, I stay so logical, level-headed, calmmethodical for awhile, until I start to cry. And instead of hearing all the words he says, I think of all the things I could have done differently to make this relationship less stressful for him. Ha.
And I feel like Im falling, even now, I wonder how my heart which as far as I have known is the same as my kidneys or my lungs, can tear into so many pieces, and yet still pump blood. Que Sappho, no?
And its not over. Either because for the first time Ive had enough balls to say that the decision needs to be mutual, even though I find it hard to argue with someones preferring anothers company to your sole company. Or because he still feels guilty.
And all this time he keeps saying what horrible person he is. And the angrier I should be getting, the more I love him. And he thinks HES the fucked up one, right?
And I wonder howit is that I can place enough land mines to blow up a persons sanity and not get blamed.
And all I want is for us to try. To see if we can or cannot be together. I want to spend time with him, be around him more. I want him to come here like planned, and drive back to Colorado with me, and hug me and tell me he loves me, andmean it.
And he says he loves me. And that he wants to try. And then he says he likes/wants to be single. Which I still have trouble understanding if his cause for worry is the fact he wants to be with someone else.
I worry that I pressured him. Or he feels that I did. I find it ironic that the girlfriend that asked the least future of him, caused him to fear it the most.
This happens to me a lot. Well, enough anyway. Seems I am entertainment, an intermission, but not a real headliner. I will spare the vulgarities I want to use now, but will fill in the blanks with the image of a girl who men will fuck, and shoot pool with, but is still easy enough to surrender.
And I find it funny that this is a boy I didnt loose interest in, as usual. A boy I was loyal to. A boy I didnt second guess.
I am a wounded soldier. I am the civilian casualty.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
i really don't know what to say i'm not very good or experienced at giving comforting advice
i'm sorry and hope that such feelings are short lived