outthere

i must have spent the last 2 odd weeks moving through life in some state of shock and drugged haze (painkillers, anit-anxiety meds - all prescribed) and this week it is liike the motion hasn't stopped, but i am no longer generating it but just being carried along with it towards some abyss.

i am falling apart, old monsters long gone keep rising up trying to devour me from within. I am starting to have dissociative episodes again, losing myself for times. always feeling like i am at the onset of some sort of panic attack, play acting through any outside contact then wanting to collapse from the struggle afterwards. I am scared....

acheron stays with me and that is good - without her here i would porobably have had to check back into the hospital by now - but i still feel useless - like i can't focus long enough to get anything done - can't get back to moving forward with any sort of purpose. work and chores pile up and i sit in their midst dazed hoping it will all just melt away....