oubliette

Not having money is shit.

I live in a pretty well-to-do area and my walk to my car after work yesterday led me down a nice, dusky street lined with little, cozy hole-in-the-wall little restaurants, people spilling out onto the sidewalks, chatting quietly, laughing lazily over wine. I was so jealous. I wonder what sacrifice it will take from me to achieve that level of comfort where a soft new sweater, a silver necklace, a professional haircut are within my means. I don't know yet. I don't even know what I'm willing to give up.

Monday night my period came. Sometimes my cramps are bad... and then sometimes they're really bad. This was the worst they've been in more than a year and finally, as a last resort and feeling like an utter ass, I called the hospital. I don't have any insurance, I told them. I can't pay. I can hardly pay my rent. What can I do? The operator asked me if I'd considered taking a Motrin or used a heating pad. I hung up, went outside into the yard, and vomited up my dinner.

I love where I live. I feel lucky to have a home here- even if the fireplace and washer don't work, my place has character and used to be (!) a chicken coop. Most of the time I like what I do for a living. But driving home in the rain, blind in one eye, without glasses, is starting to feel pretty pathetic.