osaka

the last couple of days iv spent in a stupor
time moving around me like sludge
slow and thick and heavy
i have done nothing

i hate it and its driving me insane
i have watched the whole first and half of the second season of the L word.
thats 4 days.
i am paralysed
by my fear of decisions and the ever present fear of failure that underpins everything in my life.
which i only really acknowledged last night.
i cant get to sleep mostly, and sadly no matter how tired i am i usually spend an hour or so, tossing and turning and having ridiculous thoughts and theories and 'explanations'
but this one really makes sense
if everything i do and dont do is dictated by some sub or unconscious or hidden or disguised fear... that really explains everything.
tell me about your childhood blah blah blah
perhaps
all that moving around all my life has damaged me to the point where i cannot extract myself from my fear of failure and rejection while, also, not believing in any other possibility of result.
all will fail for i am an unwanted hideous bad person.
i will be rejected because i fail in all my endeavours.
...
quite fascinating,no?

once i really believed that....

i dont anymore, so dont worry.
but i think im still applying the same categories and its holding me back from doing anything

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enough late night rant. musings. cerebral vomit.

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let me tell you though,
this boy
this boy iv been together with since feb
he is amazing
i cant get it into my head that its been 6 months, it feels like the beginning like we've only just started and theres so much to find out and explore and see
iv changed alot. im changing alot
he makes me feel things and think things that are just uncomfortable. that are new. that are challenging and weird and im confused right now, thrown off balance
i dont know how to react to what i feel and think
this is all good.
hopefully soon i will find something to steady myself on, to focus on. and i wont feel sick on the ride. because like most things, its beautiful in contrast.