ororomunroe

I'm going to be part of this fund raiser fashion show at a Night Club this week.
I asked my sister if she wanted to come, and I back stepped and under cut it and said "it's going to be lame and its really expensive, so you dont have to" and she said "I would really rather not"
That is an example of a time when I would like to know that she actually gave a damn about my life.
If it were me I probably would have said something along the lines of "Dont be rediculous, what time is it at?"
A tiny bit of moral support sometimes will save someone a lot of heart ache.

I just sometimes feel like "what is the point" .. well most of the time I feel that way, and it is really getting me down.

I discovered recently that I have been having panic attacks. I thought there was something wrong with my lungs, and then my aunt pointed out that it might be closterfobia or panic attacks, but just mildly. Low and behold i am dealing with "Quite a deal" of anxiety. And him having said that, makes much ore sense then I would have ever discovered on my own. It has always been there, its just not externalising into physical problems. The solution? Drugs, no thanks, next. I'm not pushing this down deeper and numbing it more then I already have. A co worker today said (After I thought it was a good idea to tell him why I couldnt drink the americanos that he was sipping on that smelled Oh-So-Lovely) "You are a confident young woman"
I dont know that this is true. Maybe I act like I am confident? But I am even Finding that harder and harder to do lately.
Second choice? Counseling. For however-the-fuck-much it costs to vent problems to someone who is probably just as fucked up as the person sitting beside you on the TTC until I come to some type of coping point. Don't get me wrong, I would love to go, haha, I just cant aford it. In fact I know that funds are the source of at least one of my anxieties.

I also think part of this was much attributed to an identity crisis. I havnt felt the same for quite some time. I felt like I was growing and moving forward and changing at a good pace, untill I hit a brick wall.
It's like there is so much I want to do, but for some reason, I can't.
My career, furthering my design skills, learning more in every area of my interests, physics, art, fashion, modeling, my sexuality.. its never ending. I'm at a stand still. I'm bursting inside of my own skin. There is so much I want to do, and somehow I feel guilty or lazy or sad towards most of them.
How do you fix that?

I Think i'll stop there. I could ramble forever.
Thanks for listening.