i fought with the boy last night. i don't know what the fuck my problem is. i don't like fighting, especially with him, but its been really high/really low lately. i know that at least 50% of this is my fault. at least. i'm a total fucking mess right now, to tell the truth. i think it's because everything is completely unstable. i don't know anything about my future, except i'm going back to school in january. which i thought would be a nice change for once, but i'm having real trouble adjusting to it.
things with the boy have always been unstable, but they've been good. now they are unstable and bad, because somehow i won't let it be unstable anymore. so i guess i should just let go of it and deal. and stop being such a freak.
i am sick. i have no health insurance. this is not good. i have already mentioned this before. i really need to go to the doctor for things other than i already am, but the consequences would not be pleasant. fuck. i think i need to go to a psychiatrist as well. everything is really just getting out of control. like i said earlier. i have no emotional control whatesoever(lately). i need to relax, but i fucking can't. i think i need something to help with anxiety, but like i said, i'm already involved in so much medical shit, and aHHHHH! clonopin or something.
so i'm getting H instead. hopefully. i know that sounds insane, but "self-medicating" is just about the only thing i can do right now to help myself. i need to be in control of something, and H would help me chill the fuck out.
this journal entry is a total rant. i know i sound like i'm nuts, and right now, i definately am. typing helps, though. that's why i never capitalize, i can type faster and get out what i'm feeling. i know it's lazy, but whatever.
rant rant rant.
i should proabably move, but everything is so unstable already, i'm not sure i could handle being in an entirely different setting. i need my mountains, and my lake, and the comfort of these beautiful surroundings that i know so well.
and my animals. i don't know what i would do if i had to leave them. it would be far to sad.
man. i sound so ansgty.
but right now i guess i just need to be angsty. get it out of my system.
my hormones are completely fucked as well. hah. PMS like whoa! which normally isn't a problem, but i can tell it is right now. because i am way too out of wack.
i think i'm going to trip soon. i know that sounds like a bad plan, because everything is so crazy, but honestly, i think i need to go through that. it would be a few hours of having to deal face to face with all of my shit, but thats what i need. every time that has happened before, i have always felt extremely drained for the days afterwards, but renewed.
i'm talking about shrooms, by the way. those babies really help me learn. teachers.
if you're feeling depressed, don't read bukowski. just don't.
also don't watch that movie,"the hours." bad, bad plan.
if you're like me, anyway.
gahhhh!
ok i'm done.
things with the boy have always been unstable, but they've been good. now they are unstable and bad, because somehow i won't let it be unstable anymore. so i guess i should just let go of it and deal. and stop being such a freak.
i am sick. i have no health insurance. this is not good. i have already mentioned this before. i really need to go to the doctor for things other than i already am, but the consequences would not be pleasant. fuck. i think i need to go to a psychiatrist as well. everything is really just getting out of control. like i said earlier. i have no emotional control whatesoever(lately). i need to relax, but i fucking can't. i think i need something to help with anxiety, but like i said, i'm already involved in so much medical shit, and aHHHHH! clonopin or something.
so i'm getting H instead. hopefully. i know that sounds insane, but "self-medicating" is just about the only thing i can do right now to help myself. i need to be in control of something, and H would help me chill the fuck out.
this journal entry is a total rant. i know i sound like i'm nuts, and right now, i definately am. typing helps, though. that's why i never capitalize, i can type faster and get out what i'm feeling. i know it's lazy, but whatever.
rant rant rant.
i should proabably move, but everything is so unstable already, i'm not sure i could handle being in an entirely different setting. i need my mountains, and my lake, and the comfort of these beautiful surroundings that i know so well.
and my animals. i don't know what i would do if i had to leave them. it would be far to sad.
man. i sound so ansgty.
but right now i guess i just need to be angsty. get it out of my system.
my hormones are completely fucked as well. hah. PMS like whoa! which normally isn't a problem, but i can tell it is right now. because i am way too out of wack.
i think i'm going to trip soon. i know that sounds like a bad plan, because everything is so crazy, but honestly, i think i need to go through that. it would be a few hours of having to deal face to face with all of my shit, but thats what i need. every time that has happened before, i have always felt extremely drained for the days afterwards, but renewed.
i'm talking about shrooms, by the way. those babies really help me learn. teachers.
if you're feeling depressed, don't read bukowski. just don't.
also don't watch that movie,"the hours." bad, bad plan.
if you're like me, anyway.
gahhhh!
ok i'm done.