So a little about me, I struggle with depression. A lot of people do. It can be something stupid and small and insignificant, but it can tip the scales for me and make me think about suicide. If I can just hold on long enough, sometimes hours, sometimes weeks....if I can just hold on long enough, the feeling almost completely passes in time. The thoughts are always there, but they get pretty quiet. Didn't used to be like that. The thoughts used to scream all the time.
"You're not good enough!" "You're worthless!" "You will never amount to anything good!" "You should just kill yourself; end everyone's misery by removing yourself!"
Those things and so many others would be in my head screaming all the time. I'd put on a fake face, smile, and be kind in my judgemental Christian way (I've since learned that wasn't being kind at all).
What made the voices quieter? I found out what sex work is. I started out at strip clubs. For just a little bit of money, women who were way out of my league, who wouldn't even acknowledge my existence outside the club, wanted to spend time with me. They'd do sexy dances on/around me. But even crazier, they'd expend emotional labor on me, talk to me, help me process the negative things. Taught me the flaws in how I was living my religion. Helped me see that kindness and respect do not require understanding or agreement. Eventually I went from the clubs to the brothels in Nevada. And then I started to see independent companions. Never have I found a group of people who can touch the soul of others like sex workers can and often do. In short, one of the biggest defining moments of my life was learning about sex work(ers).
For the most part, my life has been going in a positive direction lately. My bills are paid, I'm not struggling, I have food, shelter, and a job. I'm not rich, but I have all I need....well, except a person to share it with. I have zero chance of any of you beautiful ladies ever going on a date with me (but if you want to, I'm in Vancouver, WA, USA, lol), so I'm on a couple dating apps. The one I pay the most attention to is called bumble. I like it because the ladies have to start something, and the guy just has to not screw it up, lol.
Usually I match with people that are the clear opposite of my type. I'm a giant life-sized teddy bear that is attracted to mostly petite type ladies. I matched with one a couple weeks ago. Over the last couple weeks we have texted, not met, and I thought she was kind of cool. Then last night she says, "I have one last screening question for you." It had to do with how many sexual partners I've had in the last 5 years. I don't see how that is her business, but I don't have anything to hide. Including my ex-wife, I have had 1 sexual PARTNER in the last 5yrs. I have seen 5 different FSSWers in that same 5yrs. She said she could not possibly meet any man who was so abusive to women as to pay them for sex.
How is it abusive to pay for consensual sexwork exactly?
Anyway, there is a peak inside my brain, lol.
If you are an SG or Hopeful and you read all this, thank you. Blessings to you all. I will try to have a small tip for any of you ladies who make it this far and are not running away screaming, lol.
