Sunday Jan 31, 2010

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Today, I've gone back to my state of mind in middle of May. Just like that. I feel in control again. I am hopeful and I really sincerely want to move on with my life. I may suck at seizing the day but I am going to try.

Today I went the indoor dog park. My boost in attitude has reflected in my dog. She didn't protect me from other dogs and started to socialize freely. She even helped another dog out of its shell while getting out of her own! People say that your dog relfects your energy. If you are feeling a certain way; than your pet will reflect it back to the world... even if you don't. Today... there is proof of that.

So what did I learn from that last email from my ex to now? When you think your ex is gone; you are stable and fairly happy... and you get a seemlingly random email from your ex causing your emotions to stir up. You do not reply! Infact, you let it sit there unread for a few weeks and you consider the implications if you open that email. IF you read it... and you decide if you want to head down that slope... like I did... (because I had hope that we'd be epic friends one day!)

However, I'm too much of an idealist. I learned that tigers posing as kittens are still tigers. I think neither one of us expected my reaction from that email. Its amazing how single events can effect someone so much.

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Lets bleed more:
Dear ex,

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I'd like the apologize for being psycho magoo. It was not my intention to send that email to try and break you and your 'significant other' (b/f?) up. I swear I did it because I thought that my concerns were legit. If you could see how physically ill I became thinking that someone would treat you horribly you'd understand why I had to do what I did.

Because I have had so much hurt in my life; it is my instinct to protect those I care about. Yes you aren't talking to me... but it doesn't mean I don't care! In a seperate incident I got burned trying to protect a friend from harm. This is a lesson I've learned this month. I've learned more about how to live life and its a life lesson.

Yes, I'm craving closure, but I understand now that you don't want to give it to me it. I accept it now. You'll have to understand though this does mean that I'm closing the door on you... forever. I don't even want to be pen pals. I don't ever want you to message me. You'll never get a lick of empathy or charity from me. This has burned any bridge I left available.

Before I just thought you didn't get the messages, but now I know you did. I'm very embarrassed how I have been acting. I know in the end I bare the responsibility for how I act, however if you would have understood how your actions or lack of actions made me feel than you'd understand why I needed the last message from you.

I am very happy you have moved on. Its great because if we're both as damaged as I am it'd be a tragedy.

Honestly, since last night and today I've done a lot of soul searching. I understand why I am so freaked out at your totally ignoring me. Deep inside it stems from my father ignoring me as a child. I can't stand the total ignoring for no apparent reason. I long for attention from people I love. Its very conflicting when I thought we're trying to be friends.

It doesn't excuse my actions. I have a lot of issues I've discovered since May. In someways you bare some responsibility. I bare most (almost all) of it. I just wish we could have been proactive approach than a apathetic approach.

I'd write you an email apologizing, but I know I've probably scared the fuck out of you. I would email you but that'd be the last straw and I'm sure you'd make me regret it. My only hope is that one day you may stumble across this curious how I am doing and accept my apology.

This is not the person I want to be. I miss the person I was before my grandpa dieing. Since you told me you are happy and healthy in your relationship.... oddly... that meant a lot to me.

I know back in June when you emailed me; you gave me enough rope to hang myself with. If you weren't willing to keep talking to me after that email, you shouldn't have sent it as back then; I accepted the way things would be. I told you my state of mind then and I guess you didn't get the message. A response would have saved it getting to this point... but again, I know I am responsible for my damaged mind set. I know I am going to the typical Freudian 'I blame my parents' stuff... but I am. I had a screwed up childhood. Lots of people do.

We play the hands we are dealt the best we can and we use our life tools (even damaged ones) that we have available to us. You aren't empathetic and I expect everyone to be empathetic. I believe we should all help each other when we need a small hand up.

I forget everyone isn't me.

VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
girlysound:
Here is the link to the book. I"m sure there are others that work just as well. What I did is i spent a few hours browsing Barnes and Nobles break up books and just read them there and felt a lot better afterwards. I know break ups blow and are hard as hell to get over so I wish you the best of luck!
aandp:
Yeah, cept most of it is pictures. Cept you tried reading my epic rant about boys. Then yea, it's a fucking novella.

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