BAD BIGORANGEMACHINE! BAD!
Okay, I talked to my friend. While I still can only draw the logically conclusion that my ex cheated on me. There is one thing that is true..... it doesn't matter. I won't know for sure.... probably never will. I can only suspect.
I find it hard to believe it... but when the heart wanders....
Anyways, I am sick of feeling this way. I mean yes it sucks shes not talking to me. But I made a promise to myself. That I'd never write her again. I broke that promise twice. You know.. its like heroin, you know its not good for you... but at the time it feels good.... and its addictive.
I feel bad because I know she doesn't appreciate these messages; even if the last email was pretty legit reason to email her.
Ex come talk to me at camera 3:
For any readers/lurkers. We're all sick of this. I am sick of this... you are... you may even over look me now and not bother reading. I hope you all see that I am truthful and I don't want to be like this.
In a few weeks, I'll be heading to Mexico. I am trying again I mean! I told myself, that if I am not clear headed by the time I come back and 100% over my 'need' of her, I am going to a shrink. These mental states aren't healthy. I've had 10 years of stress with no full unwind. Breaks... yes... but I am wound up tighter than a watch. This year has been hard on me. I feel my new strength inside of me and I'll tap into it. I will rock 2010! I will rise born again as I have before... I will make change and I'll change the world around me. I'll change my inside and my outside and I'll become the person I've wanted to be.
I'll forgive my transgressors again cast out my enemies. Water will flow under the bridge and I'll learn to put myself first and stop trying to protect everyone. I'll love with my heart instead of using it for a shield. I'll continue to be humble. I'll continue my search for my inner truth and chase the meaning of life.
I am not a carpe diem kinda person... but I will sit in the sun and move around when I sit still. I'll moderate my bad habits. I'm going to remove my anchors. I'm going to love my dog and do my best at work. I'll heal my scars and lick my wounds. I will stand on my own again!
I'm going to be the happiest drone out there! Yes, I am a drone and I accept it! I'll accomplish monumental drone-like-tasks. I'll not shoulder the world problems, save my friends from obvious disaster unless they ask for it, and I'll will seek happiness in ways and places.
I am full of love and hope. I have so much I can carry someone with me. I'm going to defeat my depression again and restore my mind to my post-happy-pill greatness. I will seek my silent greatness. When my flame expires and I'm under earth.... the greatest trees and blades of grass will feed off my body and continue my greatness through humility. When they are gone... I will know I've done well... and only then.... I'll truly rest.... because I have ADD 
OFF TO PARTY! COURTHOUSE!
[UPDATE]
The mind does one thing, and the body another. I woke up at 6am puking; mostly dry heaving. 3rd day in a row. You'd think I'm pregnant or something *sigh* FML
Anyways, read your journal, and I'm sorry bout the ex.
Don't even get me started on the 'like heroin' part - because I know exactly what that's like.
But I mean...you slowly have to ask yourself... Is this good for me? And begin the slow detach process.
It's hard as fuck. But entirely possible.
Just remember, 2010 is your year to rock.
You can do it.