oracle

So, a friend told me that valentines day (for single people) is about appreciating things in your life that you love and althought I completely agree, I have also used today to think about past loves and things I have done to get me in the position that I am in. Its hard to believe but at one time I had a few very good friends and I dated some very beautiful people (not only physically but personality as well) I look back at how selfish I was, how I didn't care who I hurt...I was just living for myself. I wanted to be "free" and have no real emotional connections so I could do anything I wanted, go anywhere I wanted and make only decisions for myself. Out of all the girls I dated a few still really stick out, one or two I still talk to very occassionally, others I haven't talked to since we broke up (one I would do anything to talk to just once more) and well it is entirely my fault I am single...I definately regret treated some of these girls the way I did. The girl I would do anything to talk to again...well she was "the one" I knew it then and I still think it now. If only I was better to her maybe we would still be together. I know its stupid thinking about (or obsessing, you pick) girls I dated 6 to 10 years ago (one or two much longer then that) BUT...well, I haven't had a gf in over a year and nothing really serious since the girl that moved to sask with me in 1999. (which was a mistake from day one, but thats an entirely different story) Now don't get me wrong I wasn't single over that time..I dated a very nice pharmacist and a totally cute medic but well as great as they were, I guess that connection wasn't there. Anyway, I if I definately believe in Karma and I am paying the price for being an ass or a player or whatever earlier in life. And on this Valentines day...to the girls I have loved (and that have loved me) that I hurt..I am sorry.

I was also watching Phantom of the Opera today and I started to think maybe I love the movie for more then the music and how beautiful Christine Daae is when she sings but because I relate to him. I prefer to live in complete seclution, have minimal contact with the people (thus why I am online so much) and love from afar (thus substituting real love with flirting online) because like with Christine and the Phantom...loving the idea of person is much easier then loving the person and once people REALLY get to know me...well, the love they thought they may have had for me vanishes.

So, today if its not obvious I have been listening to depressing music, watching sappy movies and if i had some wine I'd be crying into my glass of wine (is that what you kids call emo these days)? I really can't wait to get back to my house...its been too long, I would love to have some candles lit, have a long bath then curl up on the couch under a warm blanket.

today at work as fun...I spent most of the morning and the better part of the day getting yelled at (mostly cause of my partner - he gets yelled at, so do I) but still it sucked.

to quote pump up the volume "sleep tight mr. serious, maybe you'll wake up feeling better tomorrow"