opusmo

Leaving a bar last night with my friends Jeff and Ben, we were approached by what had to be the world's friendliest pimp. A jovial, quick-to-laugh man, he introduced himself as Prince. He went to explain to us that we just spent thirty or forty dollars at a bar and were going home without the company of a woman. Why not spend thirty or forty dollars just on the company of a woman?

Only, he didn't say "The company of a woman" but a slang term for a part of the woman's anatomy. For a moment, I wondered if he was selling body parts, but I soon caught on to the lingo.

I begged off, telling him politely that I was a romantic and liked the old fashioned way. He said "So, you can be a romantic! Light a candle, put on some music, I don't give a fuck! You can do whatever you want with her!"

And then he said what has to be the single greatest thing I've ever heard anybody say in my entire life.

Said Prince the Pimp: "You can fuck her while holding a duck for all I care!"

So many questions. Why a duck? Is this a popular fetish? Does the duck come standard, or is it extra? Do I have to pay for breadcrumbs and condoms? And most importantly: Is it a woman duck? Because otherwise, it might be weird.

Needless to say, I went home without a woman or a duck that night. But at least I have a new appreciation for the variety of life that's out there.