oneirogen

I have been in shitville Kosovo for 2.5 years now and it has paid my debt, allowed me to finish my degree, let me travel to a bunch of places and helped my bank account. At the same time it has cost me something. A something I hope I can get back.
I lost some sort of edge I had, some hardness, some anger, some passion, something that drives me and pushes me to go hard. I am lazy here. I don't train hard. I don't read like I used to. I don't write like I used to. I don't talk to my friends. I don't use my mind or my body like I used to and it bothers me. I try, I start back in but never keep it going. The excuses are easier to find here. There is always a reason not to read, not to ride, not to lift, not to run, not to do Yoga.
This place is oppressively drab and off putting. It is so fucking monotonous, every day is exactly the same. The same scenery, the same people, the same job. You would think carrying a loaded weapon every day at work and having to deal with security situations would help keep that edge but the strangling void of suck that this place is kills it.
It seems like I just use this place as an excuse, but so many others are the same. This place makes you unmotivated and lazy. It sucks the life out of you. It makes you want to just lay in bed and watch movies. Use my body and mind? That is so unlike me.
I know it is time to move on, I need to leave here and do something else. I hate the way I am right now and it just keeps going. So I lost that fire in me since I have been here and I feel so soft. I don't feel alive the way I used to. I am in the land of the dead and I am one of the dead, which was never the case. I need that edge back. I need to feel alive again. I need to be how I was.
I need that rage, that anger, that passion, that drive, that desire to be so much more than I had before I came here.
I need to plan my next move and get going. I am on contract until Oct. but may not make it depending on what comes my way.