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oneirogen

Pittsburgh, Pa

Member Since 2003

Followers 25 Following 89

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Friday May 16, 2008

May 16, 2008
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Damn. A month since my last update. I guess I haven't had much to say. I also have been sporadically active on the site, I check all the sets but my posting and such has been off.

I got an appointment for some more ink in September and will be going back to Stockholm the first half of September. In the middle of my time there I am going somewhere else for about 4-5 days, then I will head back to Stockholm. I just can't decide where to go.
I am leaning towards going to Iceland but I am not sure. I had thought about Oslo but I don't hear too many great things about it. I also thought about just going to Gothenburg or back to Helsinki. I loved Helsinki but would like to check out someplace new. I have a few months to figure it out but I am leaning towards Iceland.

Things are just on an even keel here. I am getting back into shape physically. I have been riding more, lifting some and started doing Yoga again. I fucking miss all of that. I do what I can here but working 3 weeks at a pop without a day off tends to wear you out. I have decided to ride this out till October. It allows me to take my trip in Sept. and I am just banking money so fuck it.
I can suck up this crap for 6 more months. I have endured far worse. Regardless of what happens I am out at the end of Oct. and either taking a break or getting another job.

I am leaving this on here because I need to keep it in mind:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I have been in shitville Kosovo for 2.5 years now and it has paid my debt, allowed me to finish my degree, let me travel to a bunch of places and helped my bank account. At the same time it has cost me something. A something I hope I can get back.
I lost some sort of edge I had, some hardness, some anger, some passion, something that drives me and pushes me to go hard. I am lazy here. I don't train hard. I don't read like I used to. I don't write like I used to. I don't talk to my friends. I don't use my mind or my body like I used to and it bothers me. I try, I start back in but never keep it going. The excuses are easier to find here. There is always a reason not to read, not to ride, not to lift, not to run, not to do Yoga.
This place is oppressively drab and off putting. It is so fucking monotonous, every day is exactly the same. The same scenery, the same people, the same job. You would think carrying a loaded weapon every day at work and having to deal with security situations would help keep that edge but the strangling void of suck that this place is kills it.
It seems like I just use this place as an excuse, but so many others are the same. This place makes you unmotivated and lazy. It sucks the life out of you. It makes you want to just lay in bed and watch movies. Use my body and mind? That is so unlike me.
I know it is time to move on, I need to leave here and do something else. I hate the way I am right now and it just keeps going. So I lost that fire in me since I have been here and I feel so soft. I don't feel alive the way I used to. I am in the land of the dead and I am one of the dead, which was never the case. I need that edge back. I need to feel alive again. I need to be how I was.
I need that rage, that anger, that passion, that drive, that desire to be so much more than I had before I came here.
I need to plan my next move and get going. I am on contract until Oct. but may not make it depending on what comes my way.



VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
bully:
no no YOUUU rule the world !

:]
May 25, 2008
nikonphoto80:
Sorry it took me so long to reply.

i am glad that I went, I just wish I would have had some one with me, if I would have had some one with me then I could have talked to them the whole time and not felt so bad just walking around by myself.

I'm glad you like the photos, I have a BFA in photography so I'm really hard on myself because my teachers were always hard on me, I just need to realize that these kinds of photos are just for fun.

I hope the tattoo turns out great.

Well I hope you take a lot of photos when you go there, I want to go there so bad.

May 27, 2008

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