oneirogen

Never good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough for me. No matter how much or how hard I lift, how fast or how far I ride or run, how much or what I read, how well I do in school, how muc or how well I write, performance and dealings with women, how I look, ow much I get done, how well I do at anything, it is never enough for me.
I beat the shit out of myself over it. Is it a good thing in that i never rest on my accomplishments and I keep pushing myself to be better? Or is it a curse in that I feel no reward or sense of real accomplishment, therefore my actions and activities always leave me with a slight depression and unhappiness?
It drives me but also leaves me with a great deal of self loathing (I am very good at that). I set a goal and even when I reach it the goal is not enough. Maybe because I have been so beaten down by life in the past and always walk the between doing great things and being a total fuckup. I spend equal time in each vein.
Is this never being satisfied what causes this anger, determination, strength, drive, passion, and intensity to course through my veins? 33 years old and look at me. I look in the mirror and want to laugh, cry and punch. Other people bring me satisfaction and happiness but I so rarely deal with the people that infuse that into me that is doesn't matter.
Fuck. Nothing is ever enough.
Isn't part of hating myself, low self opinion, insecurit all that drives it along. Paranoid about so many things. Scarred by life and things in life. Women/relationships and lack thereof. Having been used and shit on so many times. Fuck. Just gotta keep pushing and driving, beating my fists against the walls till they are bloody and broken, live up to some of my tattoo's, keep fucking driving.