oneirogen

Tired. Very tired. Hard days coming up. Lots going on. Going a month of roughly 13 hour days for work. Trying to ride, do school, German, read, lift, all that in limited time. Should be fun. Zombie time is what it is.

Depression comes in waves. Starting to get very unhappy with this contract. I signed it, so I will finish it, plus I need...
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Another birthday down and it was as uneventful as the rest. Just another year older. Of course being in Kosovo didn't really allow for any good times. No parties, got a few cards and stuff. Just another day really, it is just the concept of saying "34" when asked how old I am.
12.5 hour shifts start on Monday. Going to be a nightmare. One...
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Brutal day of riding today. 2 hours of brutal climbs for the majority of the ride. 3+ miles up a mountain, short and steep as hell. Lungs busting out of my chest with my heart following behind. Legs shaking, wrenching my bike up those fucking hills with every ounce of drive and strength I have in me.
That fucking "I quit" monster talking to me...
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Got two great days of riding in which rocked. Got the 12.5 hour workday starting soon and it is raining. I am pretty beat from riding, just not in shape yet. Got 50 miles in those 2 days, one day on road, the other day on moutains and fire roads. Great stuff.
Not much beats the feeling after a long hard ride. That exhaustion along...
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-fucking nightmares hitting me every night. Gotta love waking up freaked out and sweating, scared shitless. Intense and not fun at all. But the nightmares have been there as long as I can remember. Gotta love childhood trauma that scars well into adulthood.

-weather needs to stop with this dreary crap. I want some nice weather, dry out, warm up. Kosovo is shitty enough without...
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Scars from the past that just don't heal. Somethings that are done cannot be forgotten no matter how hard you try. Somethings will scar and twist forever. So the nightmares come and they come strong. Reliving that bullshit over and over, so fucking tired of it. Those moments that left me broken for so long still come back in waves, crushing the shit out of...
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Never good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough for me. No matter how much or how hard I lift, how fast or how far I ride or run, how much or what I read, how well I do in school, how muc or how well I write, performance and dealings with women, how I look, ow much I get done, how well I...
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So the weather did not hold and I did not get any miles in on my beloved bike. So I am a bit edgy and feeling some what out of sorts. The snow came in like a fucking nightmare last night. Standing there on duty in white out conditions not able to see with fantasies of something coming out of the snow, to late for...
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"We are so lost, so lonely, so foresaken in America: immense and savage skies bend over us, and we have no door."

"It seemed to her that everything in life-the things men did and said, the way they acted-was grotesque, peverse, and accidental, that there was no reason for anything."

Another day. Got out on the bike for a little while, just fucking around but...
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Not allowed to drink on contract, 3 of my buddies go out and get hammered. They asked me to go, but I was very tired and didn't want to. Well one of them flips out, tries to fight everyone, all kinds of drama.
He ends up running away from my other buddies, so they leave. The dude ends up passing out in the street, the...
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DEPRESSION

"...and there was a nameless sorrow in him that he could not understand, and some of the brightness had gone out of the day"

been there the last couple days. not sure where it is coming from or why but it blows.
maybe not having a day off in over a month? this shithole "country" that I work in. Kosovo is the fucking armpit...
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What kind of strikes me as funny is that I put entries on here, comment on some pictures, but I don't even know that anyone reads my entries.
I have no friends on here and no comments on my stuff. So why do I keep putting posts up? Not that I have done that many, but still.
Of course I haven't requested friendship with anyone...
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