I've got a lot of journals. They all go back to Junior high days. I even have an old angsty online journal at diaryland that I wrote in for 3 years. When I go back through the stuff, I notice that about 85% of it is about the same angsty bullshit. This stuff has been such a theme in my self-esteem that I think it shapes my personality a lot.
I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, and on good days and bad, the following:
I'm not attractive
I'm not charming
I don't know what defines me
Really, I think the most frustrating part of all these goddamn negative feelings is that I'm missing out on a lot. I missed out on the things you're supposed to experience in high school. I was suffocating under such anxiety and depression that it COMPLETELY changed my perspective on life. I lived one year on campus at RIC, but that's going to be it. I'm missing out on the college experience too right now.
I don't go to parties and get drunk.
I don't do sports anymore.
I don't have a dorm.
I don't have fun.
That's the most frustrating thing. I don't feel like I'm capable of having fun. There is something that chuck palahniuk said that makes a lot of sense. "After a certain point your intelligent enough so that you can talk yourself out of anything." I talk myself out of being immature...which basically means that I talk myself out of being socially irresponsible.
The other day as I was driving to work I was thinking that I might have manufactured my social personality in such a way that keeps me from really being myself. Honestly I'm embarrased and ashamed of my feelings.
God damnit. I'm being morbid.
It must be summertime.
I'm always thinking in the back of my mind, and on good days and bad, the following:
I'm not attractive
I'm not charming
I don't know what defines me
Really, I think the most frustrating part of all these goddamn negative feelings is that I'm missing out on a lot. I missed out on the things you're supposed to experience in high school. I was suffocating under such anxiety and depression that it COMPLETELY changed my perspective on life. I lived one year on campus at RIC, but that's going to be it. I'm missing out on the college experience too right now.
I don't go to parties and get drunk.
I don't do sports anymore.
I don't have a dorm.
I don't have fun.
That's the most frustrating thing. I don't feel like I'm capable of having fun. There is something that chuck palahniuk said that makes a lot of sense. "After a certain point your intelligent enough so that you can talk yourself out of anything." I talk myself out of being immature...which basically means that I talk myself out of being socially irresponsible.
The other day as I was driving to work I was thinking that I might have manufactured my social personality in such a way that keeps me from really being myself. Honestly I'm embarrased and ashamed of my feelings.
God damnit. I'm being morbid.
It must be summertime.