Well spring break is going and my parents don't know it yet. They just think I'm home for the weekend, they'll have a plesant surprise when they find out that I'm here to stay all week. ha ha ha.
Going home is a weird situation though. It's like going back in time where I didn't have anyone in my life and was happy with it. I'm probably not going to do much this week in terms of seeing people, or really doing anything. But at least I can deal with it better because it's how I grew up here.
I know I've sounded really down lately, but the main problem about the whole thing is that I'm friends with this group of friends...but I'm not. It's like they're all very nice people and I really wish I could be close friends with them, but I haven't known them long enough or I just don't have what it takes to be a close friend rather than just an aquatence. It's one of those situations where they're all very nice to me and everything when I'm there, and they all like my presence ecetera...it's just I know that if I wasn't around they wouldn't think much of it, and when I am there, I'm not getting as much attention as their closer friends.
It's a shitty situation because really I have no one in my life that I'm close to. No best friend, No girlfriend, and my family is just kinda there. I remember this type of thing happened my sophomore year of highschool when I was really depressed about being alone. I got really needy and I latched on to someone thinking that I would be part of her close group of friends...but really consorting with this person was the worse thing that could have possibly happened...and it led to a bunch of futher mental breakdowns. I can't get like that or else all I'm going to do is hate myself for it. It's a tough situation, and all I can do is just try to keep a smile on through all this. But I tellya...sometimes I even wear out my own welcome with myself.
*just letting everyone know...that while this is the reasonable and realistic part of my brain speaking, the rest of me wants to be one gigantic ball of needy, fishing-for-complements drama. Smile
Going home is a weird situation though. It's like going back in time where I didn't have anyone in my life and was happy with it. I'm probably not going to do much this week in terms of seeing people, or really doing anything. But at least I can deal with it better because it's how I grew up here.
I know I've sounded really down lately, but the main problem about the whole thing is that I'm friends with this group of friends...but I'm not. It's like they're all very nice people and I really wish I could be close friends with them, but I haven't known them long enough or I just don't have what it takes to be a close friend rather than just an aquatence. It's one of those situations where they're all very nice to me and everything when I'm there, and they all like my presence ecetera...it's just I know that if I wasn't around they wouldn't think much of it, and when I am there, I'm not getting as much attention as their closer friends.
It's a shitty situation because really I have no one in my life that I'm close to. No best friend, No girlfriend, and my family is just kinda there. I remember this type of thing happened my sophomore year of highschool when I was really depressed about being alone. I got really needy and I latched on to someone thinking that I would be part of her close group of friends...but really consorting with this person was the worse thing that could have possibly happened...and it led to a bunch of futher mental breakdowns. I can't get like that or else all I'm going to do is hate myself for it. It's a tough situation, and all I can do is just try to keep a smile on through all this. But I tellya...sometimes I even wear out my own welcome with myself.
*just letting everyone know...that while this is the reasonable and realistic part of my brain speaking, the rest of me wants to be one gigantic ball of needy, fishing-for-complements drama. Smile
smuffy:
I see you do a lot of self-reflection but I'm worried about your mental health. I'm a big believer in therapy and possibly even medication to treat your depression. I've had bouts of depression but nothing serious just yet to warrant the use of drugs but it's not outised the realm of possibility. If things ever got real bad I'd be begging for those meds and def. someone to talk to.