I feel serene.
I spent a good part of my day reading, writing, and thinking.
I also got to spend the morning with someone special, which helps a lot.
Last night, I spent the night with my grandmother Joycie. It makes me so incredibly sad to see her delirious; she's just realising now that her husband died last December. I swear, she was there, she remembered until last week when she went into the hospital because she had trouble breathing. She came out this weekend, with fresh memories and wounds as open as ever. I took my younger sister with me, and she kept us up for hours talking about love, talking about life, feeling pitied... it broke my heart. She's helpless and it crushes me. I am a strict believer in the fact that one's disposition can help keep them alive, hope can keep one alive, but she has no hope. Her youngest grandson was born just a few months ago, and he is the only thing she talks about. But he doesn't seem to be enough. Once again, it fucking breaks my heart.
To love and to lose scares the life out of me, wether it be my family or friends or my life partner. I cannot imagine it. Plus, I don't even know what it will do to my mother.
Joycie is her surrogate mother, her best friends mother; she lost her mother when she was 23 and Joycie picked her up and acted as family to my sisters and I.
I am so worried.
On another note, I've been doing a lot of schoolwork and see the possibility of taking on another job. Some days I forget how important it is to be independent, to live fairly and to owe nothing.
I spent a good part of my day reading, writing, and thinking.
I also got to spend the morning with someone special, which helps a lot.
Last night, I spent the night with my grandmother Joycie. It makes me so incredibly sad to see her delirious; she's just realising now that her husband died last December. I swear, she was there, she remembered until last week when she went into the hospital because she had trouble breathing. She came out this weekend, with fresh memories and wounds as open as ever. I took my younger sister with me, and she kept us up for hours talking about love, talking about life, feeling pitied... it broke my heart. She's helpless and it crushes me. I am a strict believer in the fact that one's disposition can help keep them alive, hope can keep one alive, but she has no hope. Her youngest grandson was born just a few months ago, and he is the only thing she talks about. But he doesn't seem to be enough. Once again, it fucking breaks my heart.
To love and to lose scares the life out of me, wether it be my family or friends or my life partner. I cannot imagine it. Plus, I don't even know what it will do to my mother.
Joycie is her surrogate mother, her best friends mother; she lost her mother when she was 23 and Joycie picked her up and acted as family to my sisters and I.
I am so worried.
On another note, I've been doing a lot of schoolwork and see the possibility of taking on another job. Some days I forget how important it is to be independent, to live fairly and to owe nothing.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
To love and to lose scares the life out of me, whether it be my family or friends or my life partner
You just have to think about all of the good times you had together if it happens to you. If you are scared of that you will never let yourself fully go to someone else. I dunno just what I think.
What an amazing woman to have acted as a mother/grandmother to y'all. *hugs*
How is life other than all of this?
And I'll give the dancing thing a shot - I'll have you to thank!