olsen

I'm not pregnant.

This is the outcome I wanted. I didn't want to have to make that choice.

So why do I feel like I've lost someone?

....In the last day I have been held at a distance, thinking my father would never wake up. And I have been held in fear, thinking I was not only responsible for his life, but new lives.

Where two days ago I was certain I'd betray my own feelings for an abortion, as my appointment drew near and so much happened, I started thinking deeper and deeper.

Imagining looking back in 7 months at my abortion, realizing how much time 7 months is, and how much I could have changed in that time to make way for someone new.

I have walked through every possible scenario. Abortion. Guilt. Mourning. Self-hatred.

Adoption. Embarassment. Guilt. Longing.

And parenthood. Burdens. Responsibilities. Changes. Money. Marriage. But most of all the smiling face of a new creature to love.

Riding on the train, my back and ovaries were so cramped, and I felt certain there was a little life buried in me, tearing my own energy away. A little vital bundle of future. The beginning of a part of my life that I've wanted, but not expected to come so soon.

I remembered promising to have kids before 25 so I would recognize myself in them.....and I thought that this child would be born when I was 24.

I was thinking about every possibility and challenge, and daring myself to make it work.

And in one rushed sentence, that went away.

Things are simpler.

I don't have a new burden in addition to all else.

This is what I wanted to hear.

But I'm stuck with the memory of a future that isn't mine, and I'm still guilt-ridden that I had an abortion, lonely and concerned about the child I released into a stranger's care, and now mourning for the person I fell in love with, who never was.

This is what I wanted. But as my boyfriend loudly celebrates, I'm left here.....missing our child.