Woe is me.
I went on a first date yesterday with a beautiful woman and I was all nervous like a 15 year old. Problem is, is that I think it showed enough and I looked like a dork. sigh.
Insecurity sucks. I hate it.
I came home and found out I had a wardrobe malfunction. I didn't realize that the t-shirt I was wearing had sleeves longer than the button up I wore over top. They were both black so there's a slight chance that she might not of noticed, but I think she probably did. I just felt so awkward. I think I was trying to hard and just wasn't able to be myself. Why? Why, dammit?! Why? I dunno. Insecurity? I thought she was beautiful and flawless and that she'd see me as otherwise entirely. I dunno. We had dinner and one drink and chatted for a while and I was just so uncomfortable sitting still in one place, eating in front of her (I hate eating in front of girls I'm attracted to. Why do I set myself up for such misery?!), that I was just fumbling over my words and trying desperately to keep conversation going without the comfort of actually going with the flow, being relaxed and spontaneous. Ugh!
Nonetheless, I attempted to play this all off and be mellow. I asked her if we could go out again and she said sure, but tonight I'm doubting her sincerity. That's not fair of me. I know. It's just the insecurity talking, and I'm trying to squelch it.
The fact is, I thought of her for much of the day. I saw a free showing of "Imagine Me and You", which is great, go see it, and I thought of her throughout it. I like her. I fantasized about her (not pervertedly mind you. Well, maybe a little bit) and just kept wondering about the dillemma that is unrequitted love. What a pain it is. It's happened to me too much. It sucks. What goes around, comes around, I gather. I've broken just about as many hearts as times mine's been broken. Who hasn't? But it still sucks. Ugh! Why can't it (love, attraction, and whatnot) happen mutually more often?
I realize this is all a bit insane of me. Forgive me please. I'm just ranting and it feels good to do so. "Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all". Right? I was thinking, and this is where I'd love your feedback if you're willing, gentle reader/friend, is it terribly wrong to fall so easily for another person? The last time, for me, was a few years ago. Maybe two. The time before that...I can't remember. I don't think that's too often. But I suppose it's a bit messed up that we've (her and I) only had one dinner date. I dunno. I just know I like her and I'm currently thinking it's not reciprocated. I'm thinking that there's not going to be a second date. She's lost. Gone. As I haven't heard from her since last night despite emailing her a few hours after the date to say what a great time I had with her and to confess my nervousness. Was that wrong too, btw? I can never tell. Am I too forward? Too honest? Too speedy? Just all around insane? Is there any hope for me dammit?!
I sure hope so.
peace my friend. and thank you. that's all.
I went on a first date yesterday with a beautiful woman and I was all nervous like a 15 year old. Problem is, is that I think it showed enough and I looked like a dork. sigh.
Insecurity sucks. I hate it.
I came home and found out I had a wardrobe malfunction. I didn't realize that the t-shirt I was wearing had sleeves longer than the button up I wore over top. They were both black so there's a slight chance that she might not of noticed, but I think she probably did. I just felt so awkward. I think I was trying to hard and just wasn't able to be myself. Why? Why, dammit?! Why? I dunno. Insecurity? I thought she was beautiful and flawless and that she'd see me as otherwise entirely. I dunno. We had dinner and one drink and chatted for a while and I was just so uncomfortable sitting still in one place, eating in front of her (I hate eating in front of girls I'm attracted to. Why do I set myself up for such misery?!), that I was just fumbling over my words and trying desperately to keep conversation going without the comfort of actually going with the flow, being relaxed and spontaneous. Ugh!
Nonetheless, I attempted to play this all off and be mellow. I asked her if we could go out again and she said sure, but tonight I'm doubting her sincerity. That's not fair of me. I know. It's just the insecurity talking, and I'm trying to squelch it.
The fact is, I thought of her for much of the day. I saw a free showing of "Imagine Me and You", which is great, go see it, and I thought of her throughout it. I like her. I fantasized about her (not pervertedly mind you. Well, maybe a little bit) and just kept wondering about the dillemma that is unrequitted love. What a pain it is. It's happened to me too much. It sucks. What goes around, comes around, I gather. I've broken just about as many hearts as times mine's been broken. Who hasn't? But it still sucks. Ugh! Why can't it (love, attraction, and whatnot) happen mutually more often?
I realize this is all a bit insane of me. Forgive me please. I'm just ranting and it feels good to do so. "Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all". Right? I was thinking, and this is where I'd love your feedback if you're willing, gentle reader/friend, is it terribly wrong to fall so easily for another person? The last time, for me, was a few years ago. Maybe two. The time before that...I can't remember. I don't think that's too often. But I suppose it's a bit messed up that we've (her and I) only had one dinner date. I dunno. I just know I like her and I'm currently thinking it's not reciprocated. I'm thinking that there's not going to be a second date. She's lost. Gone. As I haven't heard from her since last night despite emailing her a few hours after the date to say what a great time I had with her and to confess my nervousness. Was that wrong too, btw? I can never tell. Am I too forward? Too honest? Too speedy? Just all around insane? Is there any hope for me dammit?!
I sure hope so.
peace my friend. and thank you. that's all.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
and you are quite handsome yourself.